The ramblings of a searching soul...

The Cross

2010-03-09T22:11:00.000-08:00

I once was told that we must all bear our crosses...being raised catholic, and I came to understand that we must continue to carry our sins(or bear the wrath of God), for we cannot escape them during our lifetime. What folly to believe that the cross is something we must bear, a symbol of despair instead of hope. The cross is something that does not need to be a burden on our backs, Christ has already bore the Cross for us we need not bear it ourselves. Oh how I cringe when I hear the saying we all have our crosses to bear...for I know I need not carry my cross, my sins are forgiven, carried by my savior Jesus Christ. Thank You Lord!

Matthew 11(28-30)28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Square Peg in a round hole...

2010-03-01T20:49:00.000-08:00

Where do I fit... I find my self wondering.
I seem to be stuck between two worlds, stuck one foot in this earthly realm and the other in the spiritual realm.

I am at a loss for words at what I am feeling right now...

I seem to be able to connect with people of both worlds, but yet I am apart from both, how does that work? It's as if I am like a pendulum swinging back and forth, sometimes on this side and sometimes on that side. There is never a constant. I want to have two hands doing the same thing, working for God, but I can't seem to let go of this world. I am seeking for place that I wholly fit. In the meantime time, I continue to try force myself into that round hole to only end up scuffed and bruised and not any further along. How can I meld this world and that of our spiritual Father together? I still find myself hesitant to jump in wholly into one or the other worlds for fear of losing myself completely in the wrong direction. I just can't seem to get settled.

Where to next Lord, I am here waiting, seeking asking for guidance, for strength and courage to know where I fit. I can't give up, I find that to live for this world would be so easy but something inside will not let me give up. I have HOPE, I may falter by I still believe in you Lord, Jesus I love and I want to be in your presence, please teach me and guide me to your ways. Please give me something to hold on to. What's next I know I don't belong in this world, but I feel like I don't quite belong in yours. What are these feelings that I am feeling? Give me the wisdom to know that I am seeking your will and not my own.

I want to know you LORD! Help me to quiet my mind and my heart so that I may feel your presence! Why do I always feel like I need attention! I want someone to reach out to me to show me the way, to help guide me on your path. Please help...

Disconnected...

2010-02-14T23:44:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here stumped wondering how did I get so lost and disconnected and so full of doubt.
My Faith is so bi-polar, full of highs and lows, and lately its mostly been in the dumps.

Why do I keep doing to this to myself...allowing myself to be consumed by myself?
So preoccupied about my own needs and wants. I lost track of what I was looking for a connection, a life line back to what I have been seeking. I had it once a few years ago and lost it. I let fear and complacency get the best of me yet again. I let the world swallow me up and I didn't give it much of a fight.

What am I supposed to do next, who should I seek...to help guide me back, Lord I can't do this on my own, and you know me best...the fear in me, the fear of believing wholly in something and then to find out I have been let down...a waste of energy with nothing to show.

Is it worth it, are you there? Teach me how to hear you, show me how to feel you. Help me be still O Lord so that I can feel your rain down on me! I long to feel your presence, and know that It is your presence that I am present to.

I love you Lord are there?

calling out on mute...

2010-01-03T22:26:00.000-08:00

This item might not make any sense but, it's what I felt I needed to share. This is how I am feeling like inside, it as if everything is turned up loud, but nothing is coming out.

Our Television has been doing the strangest thing these past couple of days, it's almost what I have been feeling like lately. You change the input on what you were watching and the the sound doesn't work, you keep switching the input to try to get it to recognize the audio, you switch the receiver off and on, nothing works...no sound there's a picture but no audio, then you do one of the combinations turn the TV off then receiver, then receiver off and the TV on or cable box off and on then suddenly it starts to work, and you wonder what the heck is broken. Is it the TV, the receiver, or the cable box, and no matter how hard you try to figure out why it happened or how to fix it from happening again, it just happens to start working again.

This is how my spiritual life has been like...sometimes it works and then sometimes it just won't.

No matter how hard you try to figure out why it's broken, it just is. Then suddenly something clicks and the link is working again. Something is broken, and I keep randomly falling there, searching and alone, afraid, that I am missing something, continuing to figure why it's broken and how can I fix myself...but that's the problem...I can't fix it by myself... I need an outside force to come reconnect the link. I am not sure where to go next but it seems like my life goes in two year cycles of change, and I am coming up on that 2 year cycle again with my job here, things are chaotic as usual and I feel the pull of wanting to run and hide to start fresh. I feel myself wanting to retreat again. I can never hide, and there is something I need to learn here but what. Why does it have to be so hard to figure that and so easy to retreat within myself, to be become so distracted with things like computer games, and easy stuff to keep me distracted.

I have start to get back to church but I am still feeling at loss still missing something just out of my grasp and I don't know what the next step is. I feel like a mess inside...with my typical mask out in this world. I believe in Christ and I know he died for my sins, but why do I keep sinning, why am I not growing...why is it so hard to keep in his word to follow him, take up the cross.

I want acceptance so badly...I don't know how to be who I am on inside to outside world. Fear of the unknown, of what if...continues to rule my decisions. I am not supposed to bear a spirit of fear in Christ. I feel lost again, and need to know or at least have a glimmer of something to trust in. My doubt of the future is back again, and feel useless unable to move, but wanting desperately to be more that what I am right now. There is that fear of sacrifice as well...what do I need to give up and the answer is clear...everything...Christ tells us that we need to give it all up to him and that we can trust in God to provide for all of our needs. We have to give him Carte blanche...control of everything in our lives...something our pastor mentioned in this past sermon.

I wonder can I give him that trust to rule everything in my life. Why are we so worried about what we have to give up for him...it is a mere pittance of what we are promised if we trust in God's Grace for us.

I want to live my life to the fullest, and I feel like I am not. I want to be free of this pull of this world.

I need help God...to be able to Trust in you! Are you there God... or is it just my shaken faith that is in it's stage if paranoid conspiracy theory crap that everything we have been taught is just one huge misleading tale to help us live our lives with this hope that there is something more after this short time we have on earth. I need a glimmer of that hope to be shown to me...something to keep me going.

Anyways if you are there GOD...Jesus...I do love you, I thank you for my Wife, my daughter, all the blessings of my family and the health that I do have...I am blessed to have a home, a job, vehicles, food on my plate everyday! I pray that this is not just mere coincidence of life and that we are randomly born to luckily live to 70 and then die off to nothingness. How can people be so sure of you? Have they seen signs, I guess I will always be wondering what's up...but if you are out there...please send me some guidance...I need to know that I am not wasting my time here on earth.

Help me not feel alone, help me find out who I am. I don't who that is but I am this jumble broken mess searching to be whole stuck on the outside(or inside looking out) wondering where to I fit.

If you can hear me Lord I LOVE YOU. If I could only now for sure I would do anything for you.

1 Talent

2009-12-14T22:47:00.000-08:00

Where should I start with that title...hmmm.

Matthew 25:14-30 -The third man was not as capable as the other two, but the master gave him one talent with the expectation that he would manage it well. He, too, could have increased his money, but he dug a hole and hid it in the ground.

It's what I think I have done, or am doing, I am hiding my talent in the ground(I have feared living this way my whole life). And I know the key word here is FEAR. I live my life around FEAR, it controls the decisions I make. I have become what I once was lost and alone, confused and full of doubts. I have found myself feeling as if I am back to the starting point again. It's amazing how quickly a man can die spiritually without daily nourishment from the word, and men and women of Christ. I know it but I am lost here God, I don't know what do anymore, I am afraid, and feel like am just spinning in circles. I have become apathetic, and that is the result of the company I am keeping. I am weak and easily swayed by my environment, and I am none to pleased with myself. Where are you God, I know it is I that have hidden myself by the choices I have made. I have let fear rule me yet again, I have let the comfort of my old ways pull my back, to become numb and bitter full of doubt, not that I want to be but
I feel lost, without you without my connection, to the people I love, the people I miss so much, I sometimes feel like I made a big mistake leaving my Church Family in Regina, and I miss them so much. I had a life line there, people that felt like home, that felt like you were near me GOD. I do not want to let that go, and it continues to be there pulling me back as if there is a bungee cord not letting me go. I need to fight fear, and get the courage to join up a group or get help with some spiritual mentoring again. I am losing you Lord, and I want you back, but I am afraid...I want to know you are real... I want to know my faith is worth living for, worth the sacrifices of friends, of family... I need you now, I need your love, your reassurance, your guiding hand, I need a sign of your plan for me. I want get off this neutral highway that I am on, get me off this turn table my head is spinning. Lord be my guide and please give me the courage to make the choices you need me to make. I am sick of putting you on the side bench of my life this past year, please help me know I am seeking something that is real. I will always have that glimmer of hope that this is all real, but there will always be that weight of doubt in my life as well. Please Help me see the light more clearly, and give me a rock that I can lean in. I am seeking a foundation of stone from this sinking quicksand I have been living in. Lost and afraid I am here waiting wanting, needing something real something alive. I am sick of feeling strangled in a numb shell that is keeping me trapped inside.

I LOVE YOU ALWAYS GOD!
Even if I don't always show it in my life!

Struggling

2009-05-24T22:11:00.000-07:00

I am struggling however with the drive to move one, to continue on with the fight. I am having a bout of depression, of what's the point... going on and am expressing this openly, because I want to be real here...I do go through these bouts quite a bit, of ups and downs in my faith walk, the next paragraphs are lengthy a bit, you may read what I would like to share or move on, just knowing that I would love your prayers for some guidances, understanding, reassureance, and correction!

I want to be all I can be for the Lord but it seems like, I am having such a hard time giving up the things of this world! All I see in my day to day life are people who don't get it, people that just live like there's no point to all of it but self gratification, self worship if you want to put it that way. I find myself playing too much the cameleon in my day to day activities at work, and in the world with friends. It never fails that where I go the friends I meet, or the people I work directly with are non Christians, that drink, and don't care about anything about religion, and I find myself having to put a mask on, for fear of not fitting in or being too pushy. This is something, I have struggled with all my life, molding my personality into the flow of the crowd, making myself invisible, or a mirror image of my surroundings. I get lost in myself, I am so neutral(I can't find the term here of what I mean but I am exactly like a cameleon, I blend in with the color of the Crowd it so easy it's freaky. I find I can relate to any personality, or group, and just fit in to survive. But that's not living!

If I am in a Christian Group, I am a great Christian, if I am in a drinking group I am a great drinking buddy, if I am in a group that likes racing, hunting or whatever I can adapt and relate. How do I know where I fit, I am everyone, and no one! Who am I but a Child of Christ, but what is my purpose, I want to not just adapt to the world, I want to relate to the world, and show it the truth! I have a feeling that my gifts to adapting to my situation are for this purpose, but at the moment I am desiring a more constant me in all of it. I desire to be a light on a hilll top, not a light in basket, I want to not hide sometimes, and shine at other times, going on and off like a Christmas light, inconsistent, and annoying.

When I look at the cross, and see what Jesus did to make himself the least of the least and to suffer the cruelest death to repay the debt of my sins, I cringe, at how easily this world has blinded itself to this wonderful gift that we have been given! I also am saddened at how easy it is for even myself to turn back to the ways of the world, whether it is having fun with the guys, or at home, playing games on the internet for the greater part of the evening not taking the time to read the bible or spend time with God or at work joining with the co-workers complaining about a boss or a co-worker.

We are so in need of Christ, and we miss him everyday, and I myself am crying out for advice, and counsel. because I know my depression bouts, stem from not being able to be what I am created to be. We as Christian's are truly at battle here, and we are more repressed than we were in after the days of Christ's death. We are repressed by the very freedom we have chartered for ourselves, where free speech, is accepted, unless it is free speech for Christ's Message, it saddens me how any other religion is acceptable these days, and it's the Christian faith that needs to lighten up or be more accepting. We are the most accepting, but people don't like giving things up to deny the old life of sin, self glory, and that is why it is so hard to get through to people.

There is a faith issue going on here, and I too struggle with it...we are tought of Christ's salvation, and we are attacked for it. It feels like our own faith is used against us...we believe and then are attacked to doubt our beliefs because there is no physical proof! We are put at odds against each Christian because we can't all agree on what exactly is the message! Just look at all the translations of God's Holy Scripture, which Translation is acurate...who is most right. It doesn't matter, the only truth is that we are sinners, we can't be free on our own. Christ took on human form on earth, died for our sins, he is our intercessor before God, and we are given a great gift by this death. We are new Creations in Christ! We are free to be re-united with our creator!

Well how do you preach that to the world, without getting scoffed or sounding like a loon on the street corner. How do you live your life for Christ the was you know it's ture without getting judged by your family who is of another Religion or another denomination, that believes God should be worshipped in a specific way! How do yo know your understanding, and faith is the right one. We need to get back to the heart of Woship, the heart of the message, and get it out, but I can't seem to find a way to get there yet! I am praying, and waiting for something, but I am not quite sure yet what that something is! It seems like i am more caught up by keeping up with everything, that I am just plain lost in it all.

The BODY of Christ

2009-04-28T23:15:00.000-07:00

I received and interesting e-mail from someone about a site aimed towards fallen Catholics, trying to get more Catholics to return home to the Church, and It got me thinking.

I wanted to reply to him with a long winded e-mail about some caution, and advice. I think there is something greater than just the Catholic Church here. There is a God crisis going on, we especially in North American, are no longer finding the need to put God in our lives, and bit by bit we are pushing family out too! Our Jobs(Money) get first place so that we can buy the things we need(WANT), cars. toys, food, homes...etc. We are constantly trying to fill God's spot in our Lives with worldly things constantly missing it the deeper and deeper we get. I struggle with this myself! We try to find happiness in the things we buy...a New Car, an ATV, That Bigger Home, a new Wii, Or whatever fits your fancy, then there's the TV, the internet... and so on. We get so caught up in the hustle in bustly, we are laying ourselves down to sleep, and almost forget to Put God in our prayers...and briefly mutter off some monotonous same hold bless this person pray for my family same routine, we are taught as Children.

We need to start looking inwards and outwards, we need to get God right and centre in our Lives and then we need to get out of our little bubbles and start seeing where God wants us to be in this World.

As I regress, I see this problem in the BODY Christ in this world, there are so many that are focused on our differences and who did this and did that, that we are inhibiting the work of the BODY of Christ in this World. WE need to start letting the HEAD do the leading quit the turmoild. We are at disease!

Here are is my intended reply: I am cutting my reply to my friend quite shorter but my full thoughts need to posted somewhere!

To Friend:
Yes very good message, but I fear that there is a blindness and too much emphasis on the Catholic Church as being the BODY of Christ.Yes the Catholic Church is a member of the BODY of Christ like all Christians are! We all have our role to play in the BODY of Christ. Without Paul..we would not be able to share the good news of Christ's Salvation. Peter Himself did not want to spread past his Jewish traditions at first. Paul had to discuss this several times with Peter. We must always be wary not to put a blind eye because our traditions. This Goes for Catholics as well as Protestants. We must all learn to work together as one in the Body of Christ, and quit trying to figure out whose right or wrong! In plain truth... if we all believe that Christ came to die for sins, to save us from ourselves, and pay the price we could not pay on our own, something we can never earn...something freely given! Each and everyone of us is a unique child of God, destined as a plan for His Glory!

We just have different roles to play!
1 Corinthians 12(NIV) is a great read in this area. Corinthians and Romans have been very inspiring for me!Here's a tidbit: 12The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ. 13For we were all baptized by[c] one Spirit into one body—whether Jews or Greeks, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink.

14Now the body is not made up of one part but of many. 15If the foot should say, "Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. 16And if the ear should say, "Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. 17If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? 18But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. 19If they were all one part, where would the body be? 20As it is, there are many parts, but one body. 21The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" 22On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, 23and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, 24while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, 25so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. 26If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.

As a Men if God we need to quit looking inward, and start looking outward to keep spreading the Good News like Christ told us! It is until we can learn to work together as one Body of Christ, then only will we see True fruitfulness. We are who we are from Birth called by God. Some may fall some will go and this Page may definitely help some see their true path, and return them to their place! I can only see this site as another topic for conflict with others. I have seen in the past ten years both sides of the fence, and it drives me nuts how we just can't get along. So much turmoil...it's no wonder people fall away whether from Catholic denominations, or protestant! It is not only a Catholic Crisis, it is a God Crisis, we are just getting so caught up in our own needs,desires, and this world is doing nothing to help us see past that, with new cars, toys, computers, Internet, money. It seems like we are pushing God out the more we advance as a civilization.

I pray that one Day we will all be able to function as a whole in Christ's Body!

GOD's WILL

2008-11-09T22:09:00.000-08:00

The other Sunday, I listened to a very interesting sermon about GOD's Will, and it got me thinking, where I was heading to listening to GOD's will for me in my life.

I'll start off with the story...

There was this man that was ready and willing to GOD's will, he was sick and tired of doing things for himself, and was ready to do whatever GOD had planned for him. So one morning praying to GOD he said you know what I am done with my old ways, I am here ready to do your will no matter what it is, I am ready for it. So GOD replies back, I can truly see that your ready so here it is... You see that boulder over there. I want you to push against it everyday and don't stop, that's all you need to do. The man thought that this was pretty odd. but he didn't care he was ready to do GOD's will not matter what. So the next morning he got up early and started pushing on that boulder excited to do GOD's will. He kept up at it for months pushing and pushing for GOD. One day Satan comes around and notices this man pushing the boulder and comes up to him asking him why he is doing this. The man replies, I am doing GOD's will, he asked me to push this boulder and so here I am. Well Satan says, well that's great you have been very faithful, but I have one question to ask you, what have you accomplished pushing this boulder? The man looks up at him and replies: What do you mean by that? Oh nothing, I just see that you have been pushing for quite some time and this boulder hasn't moved a bit. What's the point in pushing it all...it's not going anywhere. The man said you have a point, I wonder why he wants me to push this boulder? Satan replies: Look, you don't have to bother with this. You have done your best. You won't succeed at this. Accept that you have failed. It is useless. Then just take it easy and do the least amount of work you can.

So the next day the man gets up a little later than usual thinking, that boulder's not going anywhere. Days go by and soon he stops pushing the boulder all together. He decided to pray. He prayed and prayed and prayed. "God, I have done what You asked me. I have been very faithful. Every day for hours I have been pushing against that rock, but I have not budged it an inch. GOD replied I noticed you haven't been as faithful, and stopped pushing, let me explain a few things to you: I asked you to push against that rock, and you were obedient. I never asked you to move it. I asked you to push against it."Because you have pushed faithfully and diligently against that rock every day, notice how strong your arms have become. Your back is brown and sinewy, your legs are massive; you are in such better shape now than you were. You have learned a lot because you have been faithful and obedient.

Then God said to the man, "You have trusted me. It's my job to move the rock." I just asked you to push it nothing more.

So what am getting at... good question. Well I have been sort of struggling with my Call from GOD lately, wondering what his will is? Thinking I need to be doing more than what am doing already. I ended finding myself doing less than I was before. So here I am back to where I started accepting the WILL of GOD no mater what the task is small or BIG. I will not try to rush him, I will take whatever he gives me and do it with all my heart and soul, I will keep on PUSHing just like he told me to do and let him do the moving.

YOU ARE LOVED!

A simple prayer...

2008-09-09T00:25:00.000-07:00

I just received this e-mail today, and I it had me thinking about our perspective on prayer and life in general.

I really do struggle when people pass e-mails around, about do this and do that and please don't break the cycle, and I actually refuse to do so, because it is just the technical version of a chain letter. The what if e-mail. What if I don't send it will I miss out? What if I do will it really happen? I feel that faith is definitely being abused and cheated in these e-mails, and the extra e-mails that it produces is just but another e-mail. But I wonder if there is something to it, especially when prayer is involved.... I proceed by posting the e-mail...

=============
A small request: All you are asked to do is keep this circulating. Dear God, I pray for the cure for cancer. Amen All you are asked to do is keep this circulating even if it's to one more person. In memory of anyone you know that has been struck down by cancer or is still living with it.

=========

My heart strings are definitely pulled, and who hasn't been touched by someone they know, or by a personal experience. Cancer is definitely a defining Disease, of this era.

A beautiful prayer to ask, and yet I wonder if people are missing it all. Why aren't we praying to have people come to know Jesus more. There is a key prayer at stake here and it is for all men and women to be able to truly come to know Jesus personally, amidst all this suffering and pain, and a big skip for Joy as we enter into a new life eternal in Christ! I was at Church this Sunday and the lesson was key, to this prayer exactly for freedom in from Dis-ease.

I don't know why people suffer, get sick, and die, but I do know Who can get us through all the suffering that can and probably will affect us at some point in our lives. If we trust in Christ and seek to have a personal relationship with Him. That is to truly seek to understand Him, not just know that he existed and died for us, but to truly have Him Live inside of you with a Love so real so freeing that we can manage any storm that the sea of life has to throw at us. Like Peter walking out to meet Jesus in the sea, we must realize how crazy and helpless it is out there, and start to sink for us to truly see how much we really need Christ to keep us afloat!

Lost in transition...

2008-07-15T22:49:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt like you were losing yourself? Well these past few months I have felt exactly like that. I have just recently moved my family closer to our immediate families, and found my self wondering what the heck was I thinking...don't get me wrong I don't regret changing jobs or anything like, that, this move was the best thing for my sanity, but for my spiritually I don't think so. This has a been huge forging part in my life. I have been submerged in a pool of disbelief, and find myself gasping for life. In my new work place there are a few people that are completely disbelievers in Religion and God, and I am not the first person who is going to try and argue a point, but they too know where I stand in my belief system, of salvation, and faith alone in Christ, not religion... so you will see no sides taken here on religion...faith in Christ and his gift of life for us through his Blood is the only truth I cling desperately on too, but I found myself faltering, falling into my questioning of what is truth, what is the reality of life, a made up system of belief to control a savage society known as humans from wiping themselves off the face of this planet. I am even caught up with pondering thoughts of what is there after we die...even if I should know better, that there is Christ and life eternal...can I trust these promises.... a million plus believers can't be wrong or mislead could they be? I can't believe it, but I feel so caught up in this mundane world of emptiness, nothing out of the ordinary or special, and I wonder, how did I get to this place again. I truly believe that by not being in a Church family for this long period of time, has left me vulnerable to the attacks of the enemy and has allowed him to get me actually start listening again(not literally I don't hear voices : ) ) other then my own thoughts. I just wonder how I can get the courage to live my life for Christ completely to be able to trust in Him completely to have a relationship with him, not just the knowledge of him and what he has done for me and all of us.

I want to know him personally each day, and I wonder how to go about doing that to the fullest.

I need to feel connected again, instead of swept away in this current of life. Someone throw me a rope...

Battle for the mind... continued

2008-04-30T20:56:00.000-07:00

I have been mulling over a few things that have happened to me recently, and the topic of the battle of the mind came to me. I have been blessed recently at being able to partake in some mind opening heart cleansing. I never realized how caught up a person can get in his own false beliefs. There is a saying if you think you can, you're right, if you think you can't you're right too!

Before I headed back to 'Toon town, for the next chapter in my life, I was given a gift from God to do a little soul searching, and lot of weeding in my heart! The turmoil of that is still leaving me with some aftershocks, but the soil in my heart has been broken and is now ready to take in deep root, new shoots for the harvest.

I was able to take part in my own Freedom in Christ journey and did not realize what had been keeping me so locked up in side. Something so obvious, something right in my own eye that I just kept looking through all this time. Every event in my life had been filtered by this veil, that had me suffocating in it's grasp. This false belief had been so ingrained in me that it was like a second skin, a layer of armour, dragging me down keeping me from pushing onward. I was so accepting of this label put upon myself, that all I did was make a joke of it, the inevitable unbeatable false truth that my family and I kept dragging around with us like a ball and chain weighing us down from true Freedom.

You wonder what sort of horrible lie this thing was that I allowed myself to believe was. It is something that not many people would see as something all too bad, but something some would call just dumb luck. I was raised with the label that my family was destined to be screwed. To be useless, a failure, not much good for anything, second rate, never first Destined to be always last or maybe if you were lucky second place at best. This is something I have hung on to for way too long, believing that nothing could really change, and that I had to do my best to protect myself from this, to work as hard as I could to erase this label, and show it who's boss. I had something to prove, and at times, I did beat it, but that label kept raising it's ugly little head, every time I was doing good. Just like clockwork, I would find myself flubbing it all up, and having to start from scratch, never able to be consistently good at anything. Never able to really trust anybody to help me with anything, for the fear that it would all get messed up and I would at a loss yet again. Always capable but never the best at anything. I think that is way I am so eager to try something, new, I am always in search to find something that I am the best at. That is where failure was always sure to intervene. Because I was running from this lie imposed on myself and my family... I found that instead freeing my self, by trying to further remove myself from this demon, that I just kept running deeper into it's trap. Instead of confronting it and not allowing it's power over me, I kept reinforcing it's lie deeper and deeper in my soul. My focus was always on escaping this label, this curse as it may be called. I found myself focusing more and more on defeating it and found that it had a deeper hold on me than I ever thought it could. I found myself always being the victim, finding blame in others for my circumstances never owning up for my life. This label has been my crutch for way too long, always the excuse for the bad things that happened to me. I was always on the look out for when it would strike next to screw me over again. The sad part about this, is that I could never trust myself or others, I always had this veil over me skewing my life experience with this hesitation, this mistrust in life, for the fear of been screwed over once again. I even carried this into my marriage, always worried, how my wife would like to take advantage of my good will yet again, always worried, that I would miss out yet again. I wanted control, I like being needed. I longed for love, and satisfaction in my wife. I looked to her to complete me. That is where I faltered. I was looking for my identity in my marriage, in my career, in my Church family. I was not looking to God for my identity. I was allowing myself to look to things of the world to give my life meaning. That is where the lie kept me, looking for approval and success in things of this world. My identity in Christ is what matters now. This life ends up in death and nothingness in the end without Christ. Failure is what my identity in the flesh was. Now I am no longer a failure in Christ. I am a new creation, God's Child, God's beloved. I am Free, and no longer a slave to the failure's of the flesh. The lies of the enemy have no power over me now!

That was why I had problems with keeping close relationships. I just couldn't let myself get too vulnerable for the fear of being duped, or being taken advantage of again. I still have this radar on now till this day but I am not listening to it's lies anymore. I have blessed just recently to this wisdom.

There has always been a glimmer of hope in all these situations, God has always been there by my side, waiting for me to turn to him for Strength. The bridegroom has been waiting for me to ask for his hand to lift my veil and reveal to me in Him the new life, the freedom found in Union with Him. The veil of my old life has been lifted away, to enter into a new light of freedom. A new journey to be free to live life and relationship. Now that I am free of that veil that blurred my vision of my true identity in Christ, I can clearly see this lie. I am blessed to be able to remember what believing that lie has cost me, in order to not fall prey to it again. I am in the vine now, a new shoot of life, ready to be pruned, and in order to grow new life.

Now I wonder, what is in store for me with this new realization. What is the next step...well I guess that's up to me now... it's up to me to be willing to let God do his work in me, and not try to jump blindly ahead in fear of the unknown. There is some wisdom in the realization that God is a patient God, and that he is slow to anger. We see in that verse, that he is not rash, he does not rush. I can be confident that if I do stumble or mess up in my journey he will no judge me harshly and that I have nothing to fear. I have to be still to hear him, I must not rush, or try jump ahead thinking I know what God wants for me. He is God, and I cannot box Him in.

A new leaf turned

2008-03-26T22:16:00.000-07:00

Well, I did it, I am moving yet again, another stepping stone in life has come my way and I am taking the plunge.

I have accepted a new job, and will be taking my family closer to home! I wonder what God has in Store for me there. Now it is time to find a new Church Family and see what God has up His sleave for me there.
I wonder how that will go, I am not sure where God is pulling me too, and I hope it's him, that is doing so. Not my own needs and desire to escape this crazy rollercoaster I have ridden for the past two years. Ups and Downs and I wouldn't have traded it for the world. God had his part in it all and it is time to head for a new ascent another journey into the unknown.

Alas I will be uprooting again, and hopefully finally able to set down some deep roots for good!
We shall see. As I red in Habakkuk, I will praise the Lord no matter what, even if I don't see the fruit yet. My faith is in the Lord and I trust in Him that he will use me where he sees fit. I pray that I will not miss it when he shows me!

battle of the mind.... who get's your attention?

2008-03-16T20:41:00.000-07:00

You must be wondering with a title like this, what I am going to talk about and for good reason.
I have been struggling lately with attacks of self doubt and where I need to be taking my life.
Do I push through this rough patch and keep going in my current state, or do I take a different fork, and take a risk into an uncharted course full of unknowns?

I've been struggling with the fact that I more than likely have ADD in the inattentive type, and I started to wonder if that is just a cover up for something deeper, something more. I started to go down that rabbit whole of my past and I wondered if quite possibly that was the reason to all my anxiety and stress in my childhood. I think I have come to a different understanding of what I have been plagued/blessed with! I find that all my life, I have been a little odd, a little disconnected from this world, and I know it has something to do with my calling to follow Christ more deeply. I find myself wandering off thinking of things not of this lifetime, not of this world. I am thinking of God and the bigger picture! No wonder why I seem so inattentive to what's going on in this world. No it's not disillusionment, but it's something, that I keep thinking of, I keep weighing in my mind during my everyday duties in life. I keep using those thoughts of the spiritual world and my role in that place, and I use those things to check and balance my decisions in this life. Doing this I find myself being a little disconnected and bored by the mundane needs and desires of this world. Oh don't get me wrong I still love to get things and dream of things. I still wonder what it would like to have that nice truck or a little more money in the bank. The difference is, that I get over these thoughts a little more quickly than most. From the outside world they perceive me as this out of touch disconnected individual that just doesn't fit in. It's just that I don't get attached to ideas or things for too long, I experience it, I enjoy it, and then I get bored of it and move on. That's it, there's nothing complicated to it. I just seem to rush through things quicker than most, trying to experience as many knew things as I possibly can and then move on. I find that I am lacking in the attachment department! I just don't get attached to things, I don't know why, but I don't.

That's why when I enter into a new experience, I jump right in and try to experience it to it's fullest. I get that initial rush of wow this is cool, amazing, or that is weird! Then when the initial rush is over, I move on to something else, leaving the past experience to fade away in time, as a brief memory, a road marker in my life.

The biggest thing that I struggle with is the fact that I seem to fall prey to this in my spiritual journey. I seem to live my life spiritually in ups and downs. It's like I have to have a life crisis before I get all revved up and feel reconnected again. I am fine for a while and then I am bored and numb again.

To explain this better, I like to think of it like one's sugar level in their body. When the body is functioning properly the levels remain constant and level. In the the body of a diabetic, the sugar levels spike and crash without some kind of assistance. Well this is how my spiritual life feels like lately. I have these peaks and I have these valleys, and now I am searching for the insulin, and learning what the proper dose is.

Well to start with, I have found the cure, Jesus Christ, but now, I am trying to integrate him into my body, trying clean out the old crap and to bring in the new blood. I am going through a spiritual transfusion. I am learning to return to him for new life daily, searching for that balance, to help me to remain constant in Him. There are days and weeks, that I forget to go back for renewal, and I find myself lapsing into a low again!

I am struggling trying to find out why I continue to doubt. There is something, that I am missing, I have plateaued. It's like my body which has just been given a transplant is trying to build antibodies to reject it. I need an intervention, I need to get past this layer, to be able to move deeper and deeper into this relationship with Christ. I am just stuck! There is still some left over crap, left over beliefs, that is stopping me from growing spiritually. My Mind is still in bondage by something. I still want control over my mind! There is a deep fear that if I let go of that control, that I will be helpless, and an utter mess. There was a point in my life that I had to take control of my mind, to control my passion, that seemed to have no holds barred. I had fears of many things in my mind, haunting me, scaring me! I took that fear, that access to the other side, and locked it up.

When you allow the spiritual world access to your mind, you get the good with the bad! The war of the mind is a two sided thing. When I was younger, I was in constant attack by the enemy, for my zeal to want to follow Christ! Back then I was immature, lost, alone! There was no one that I could share my passion with or answer my questions(or that I had the guts to ask those questions). I used to be visited by presences in my room(sometimes not just something you could just dismiss) or nightmares, that would scare me to death. I would find myself praying for a long time after a visit like this. The disconnect happened one night probably between 9-12 years old. I had a dream one night, that keeps haunting me to this day... It was this dream that started me on my downhill slide. My fear was so great, that something in my subconscious, went "red alert" and the force field went up. From that evening, the dreams and the odd feelings, just went away! I never remembered a nightmare again, and the scary feeling of a presence in my room went away as well.

The one thing I didn't know yet, or fully understand was that, the enemy really had no authority over me, they were just scare tactics, to veer me away from GOD. The attacks worked unfortunately, they caused me block off that access to the spiritual world, I cut the hard line. Well the day has noe come that I am almost ready to reconnect that line with Christ's help.

The unfortunate part out of this, was that by doing so, I disconnected my direct communication with GOD as well. One thing that I didn't realize was that the Holy Spirit still had access to me through the physical world, through the Bible and other people that still had their hard lines connected to GOD. I have been taught that in Christ, I am truly free and forgiven. I know that in HIM, the enemy has no authority over me. Only Christ has authority over me. In Him I can rebuke them, and regain, my connection back to GOD. Christ is my life line back! Praise Him for that.

Now I need to start pealing back the layers that I have put up as barriers in my life, preventing me from being all that I can be for GOD! There is a big fear here, because I will have go through that door yet to give up all control! I have to put all my trust and faith in CHRIST to guide me through these storms, and walk me through the steps of taking down my shield, and trust that HE will be my shield and strength from the flaming arrows of the evil one.

I am afraid to go there, but I know it's necessary to be able to get back in touch with my creator! I have to tear down the walls!

It's been a while... nice to hear from you!

2008-03-04T21:42:00.000-08:00

I think of this sentence and wonder if God sometimes tries to call out to us and wonder why his child hasn't called in while.

I have been thinking about prayer, and spiritual zeal these past couple of months, and this topic of GOD's calling donned on me, that sometimes he's just waiting and listening too!

Maybe it's time for me to start calling and probably more than maybe, I needed to learn not to be so hard on myself, wondering what should I be doing to be better what do I need to do now?

Things seem to come at you at the right time and right place for very specific reasons, and I can't remember if it was at Church or reading in scripture, where it was brought to my attention about gifts from God! I was reading Romans from the translation the MESSAGE. There were some key things in there that GOD wanted to remind me of and one of them was the key difference between just payment and GIFTS. Those great feats of faith and what make men, men like Abraham, Noah, David, Moses, and all the great prophets, it had nothing to do with what they did and who they were, but that they trusted what GOD promised he would do through them. They heard God's promise made to them and they obeyed! They had faith in God's TRUTH as a promise(not a contract)

I struggle with this at times, because we are living in a time of a kept promised from GOD that of Salvation. I wonder, what is that kept these men so trusting in GOD...the faith of Child...and I wonder how lost we have become in this worldly knowledge of science, and ideology where everyone is right about everything and that we shouldn't say this, or shouldn't do that, but this can be said and that can be done, freedom, has been taken for granted for too long. Freedom of speech, freedom of expression and life style. All our world has taken this freedom trip on a crazy topsy turvey ride, that freedom has become the opposite of what it was meant and designed to be. Freedom is now more commonly know as suppression! Now everybody thinks freedom means you have the right to say and do what you think is right! Well what is right in our own little bubbles? Our perceptions are so skewed and perverted by our own individual experiences that there is no way out of this spiraling mess unless we revert back to the real TRUTH of it all!

Why are we on this planet? To fullfill our own selfish desires? eek Look at where that's gotten us. WAR torn, debt ridden, diseased, and to sum it all down nicely...just plain sick!

Reading through Romans 7, Paul spoke of sinful flesh warring within us trying to keep us doing the things we wish not to do. I find that SIN has taken on a new target to attack other than the LAW, which it has done for a millenia of years until Christ came that is. Now in it's dying last breaths, SIN is grapling with and trying to marr and mutate the very meaning of FREEDOM that came from Christ's gift to us. It never fails that SIN tries to find new ways like a virus to infiltrate itself into our human existence, trying drag us back into the murky darkness, clawing to try and get as many souls as it can before even SIN cannot hide much longer in the shadow of freedom! I hate this because this freedom lie, attacks at me daily, which I know it attacks at all of us! Well you know you're free, start thinking about yourself, oh that isn't that bad, or what about your needs(I fall into this one way to often). Or the biggest one of all is the what's the point no one cares what you think or it doesn't matter what other people think.

If you keep on respecting the truth of others you will find yourself compromising your own truth eventually, and how do we know if our truth is the real truth? There are so many different religions dealing with so many different cultures, that we can find ourselves so mixed up in it all that we find ourselves just completely lost in the thick of things.

I just look at my own situation with Catholicism and Christianity as a whole. Why can't we just get our acts together and follow the one truth...but what is the ONE truth.

First Question of Truth is: Are we creations of design or that of fluke.

Then we have to ask ourselves, can we trust ourselves enought to be able to make this decision.

The first part of creation by design comes up the fact that there is Creator.
So then we ask ourselves who is our Creator? Is it another being, like men from mars?
Then you have to ask yourself, so if other living beings created us then who created them... and we find ourselves back to the beginning question of it all.

Are we creations by design or a fluke creation of the universe.
And we are back to asking ourselves, well where did the universe come from.
Is there something separate from the universe that created the universe, how did this big BANG! come to place to start off this crazy, complex, dangerous yet beautiful existence!

The age old question how did we come to exist...evolution is definitely part of the equation(pardon my french I can't think of how it's spelled in English)
Where did language come from how did this consciousness this knowledge of self(hmm I think the tree of knowledge enters stage left), this awareness come from?

I don't know about you but the Bible sure has done a pretty good Job of informing us how we came to be! Albeit there is a lot left to debate for many people if they wish too, but there is not lot of ground to stand on, when someone tries to disprove anything that is written there. The accuracy of the ages, the land, the migration and sepration of the people. We do have to look at the fact we are basing our decisions on translations of ancient languages that have many words that can have very different meanings

I just wonder, if we can really put faith in ourselves and what we know. We only know what we are told, and what we learn, through experience. That experience is exponentially small in ones life compared to the grandeur of life, that how can even one believe that we can make such an ostentatious statement, or be stuck in our own ways and beliefs, when in our extremely short lives we don't even scratch the surface in comparison to the grand scheme of things.

That's where faith comes in, and that is why I make my belief decision, I believe, that it is very possibly and highly likely, a Creator(GOD) created me. I also from what I have taught and by the people I trust and put faith in that trust that GOD loves me, that he want's what's best for me. I also believe that there is another force at work, that doesn't love me and that doesn't love God either and it want's the worst for us, but this force is more impersonal less caring. This force is solely dedicated in one thing only and that is to cause pain and to strike at the very heart of GOD. The only way can strike at GOD is through his children for the time being. We were deceived in the beginning lured away with the thought that we too would know all and be equal to GOD. We fell and there was no way out on our own to get back up. Since well there was no way as fallen being as GOD by his HOLY beinf like a light into the dark would always apart from lest we be destroyed! There was only one solution and that was to make the ultimate sacrifice and to create in His Holy image an intercessor a bridge that could reach out to us at our level and relate. When that sacrifice was made that union of Blood and Spirit joined together as one and ultimate Gift and ultimate reconnection to GOD through one being, that of CHRIST JESUS himself and through HIM we are able to in communion once more. We are able to see our father's face and cry out ABBA!

I don't need to know or question every single detail(although I catch myself wanting to do this way too often). The only thing that I can base my life experience on is that of the Holy Scripture! I think there will always be a time and a place where I will need to make adjustments and tweaks to my belief system, when new information is revealed, but we do need to make a decision and go on from there and stop guessing. If don't make a decision then we are just stalled and not gaining anything from it. I think the key thing is that we need to be open to possibilities of what TRUTH is!

You just can say I was told this and that is what is and I won't accept anything else. Well if you live your life that way A: you just might be alright or B: you could be completely wrong.

Weigh out what you know to be true right now in your life and base any new information given to you off of that truth! I don't know any other way! Also make sure that your truth bear's weight. Truth must always be checked and balance. Truth is always skewed by our filter's in our lives. We have to find our own truth and live it out to the fullest!

These are just my spewed out ramblings for the night and things may be adjusted as the days and weeks go on! So take it all with a grain of salt and filter out how you wish because we will all have a different view on this and that is just how it is. We are unique, and beautiful in our own ways, through each decision in life we make, through each new experience life, we are molded and changed, and that my friends will always be how me make our decisions and find our Truth in Life! There has to be an outside force a template to measure by! The only thing so far that I have come across has been the Bible, so I am sticking to it, and if I have to learn greek to gather more insight than so be it. The quest for Truth will continue on long after I have gone. I just hope that In my brief time here, I have been able to help reveal another little unique glimpse of Truth!

I end this blog with this statement from Christ to Pilate:
Jesus said, "To this end was I born, and for this came I into the world, to bear witness unto the truth. Every one that is of the truth hears my voice. Pilate then said unto him, What is truth?" (John 18:37-38)

I'm a screw up...but aren't we all.

2007-12-06T22:35:00.000-08:00

I messed up once again today with my mouth, and being put on the defensive.
I had this phone conversation with my brother that led me to get a little defensive about the choices I have made in my life, that I was being questioned and judged!

I was being accused of in not so many words forgetting where I came from, that I was some how abandoning my familial upbringing by straying away from my family faith!

I felt like I was being told "How dare I turn my back on my family" like I should be pressured into it! Something about going to my parents Church out of respect! Why can't I choose where I wan't to worship, it just makes me want to scream and pull out my hair. Why can't we all just get along and quit trying to find blame and fault in all we do. I guess that's human nature.

So out of respect, I politely drew the line of where my immediate family stood and where my respect for my upbringing and childhood family remained, a stepping stone in my journey to Honor and glorify God. They just can't get it through their heads that this was what I was searching for all along. My wife is devastated that I dare speak of what I'm feeling for the fear of persecution from my family. She wants me to be united with her and my family, well you just can't keep everybody happy, there are consequences to the decisions we make in our lives, and I am not about to shy away from the consequences that may happen due to my decisions to follow Christ where he is leading me.

I was a little perturbed when my brother was mentioning that I was using God as a crutch to defend my decisions of where I was being led. What the heck is that! I would rather lean on the Trinity as my life preserver anyday than that of religion! It is in my faith in Christ that I lay my life on! He is the one and only life preserver!

I know am ranting but I need to get this out I am sick of being caught in between my wife and my family. If I don't get this out I am likely to break something! I just want to burst out in frustration of feeling so helpless. My wife is so worried that she is going to be blamed for all this...well guess what she probably will be...the mob always tries to find someone to blame. Well guess what it's not about her! It's about God and until she gets that through her head, she will always be sulking in fear and doubt and wondering why me! She still has alot of growing up to do and so do I. I will never deny that I will always have a lot of growing to do. That is why I will not hole myself up sneaking around. I am sick and tired of keeping quiet and letting people think I am this controlled cowardly puppet by either family or wife. I am a child of God searching to seek His Glory. I make my choices and I will live and die by them! I chose to marry my wife, I chose to seek God in a different way other than that of my upbringing. I trust that God is doing what is right in life.

Like the comment of my brother saying that I could do all this ministry in the Catholic faith, or be more charismatic in catholic faith. I am not bound by religion. I am bound by Faith in Christ as my Saviour. I am bound be seeking to be more Christ like. Like my choices have not been lot's of work. I have been this friction point in my family all my life, feeling different thinking different, questioning truth! I have never felt the same or that I belonged, and I was too pressured and afraid to openly think that way! I struggled for over 6 years of my marriageabout remaining in the Catholic faith because, I didn't want to disrespect my family. I wasn't doing it for me! I was doing it for them. I love going to Church where I can be with my wife together as one. I made my choice! She has to live with that too! She could have become Catholic to please my family but that wouldn't have been right because that didn't make her complete. I couldn't force her too because I didn't feel complete there either. How could I hollowly force my wife to become something that I didn't believe in completely either. I had come slowly to see the emptiness in my spiritual life, being in an environment where I couldn't grow and thrive. I just coulnd't raise my family and be so disconected from God! I knew the choice I had to make to keep our family whole! I had to give something up to gain something better something blessed! This path God had chosen for me!

I don't know what to do, but eventually there has to be a line drawn, so that there is no more guessing, no more beating around the bush. I love my parents, my brothers and my sisters. I respect them for their choices in life. I just want to be respected for my choices! There is no right or wrong here! There just needs to be mutual respect! I am sick of that holier than thou belief from Catholics that they are the one true faith. I think the Jewish people thought that way too! We need to start getting back to the basics of Faith, we need throw out all that jargon and remember why the Catholic church exists....because Christ died for us to save us from our sins.
It's all in the bible, it's all in History! Let's dust off our bibles and start spending some more time with Christ and quit worrying about which religion is right or wrong. Christ is the only right, the only truth and that's it!

Religion is just ones way of expressing one's faith!

Now I'm left here abandonned yet again at my computer alone. I was frustrated that I had just had the courage to stand up for my choices and beliefs, and there I get off the phone and my wife is all crying because now it's all about her. She didn't even care about us and the step I taken to show my devotion for her and our daughter. I was so frustrated! I called her a cry baby and now she is in the room and I am in the basement trying to express my frustration and hopelessness of being an totally bumbling imcompetent communicator, can't I do anything right! I can't win I might as well have been a priest! I feel all alone!

Something revealed

2007-11-13T21:26:00.001-08:00

I am coming to the realization that I find myself doubting and questioning, only when I find myself apart from what God has been calling me to do!

It seems that once I find myself back in His Path...relating to others...mentoring to others and seeing the Fruit of the Spirit at work that I am all at once at peace and centered!

The Lord continues to reveal his desired teachings to me in His time and I find my questions being answered just hours or pages later! If only I would have patience and faith...

I long to know him more and understand him further! But it is not the understanding that I need! It is the connection that I desire! I know that I need not understand but I must only seek Him! I am here to be in a relationship with him! He is not to be a study guide for me to figure out or a puzzle to solve. It is a life giving, spirit growing Love relationship that I am seeking to discover! That is the word I need to use from now on! DISCOVERY

I seek to discover Him! I long to get to know him more, to be connected with him. I don't need to know how he ticks...I just need to get to know him and feel his presence. What better way then to meet him through his creations! Earth, Animals, Men and Women! Each new experience in life is a new connection, a new discovery to this precious relationship I am in!

a little frustrated, a little impatient, a little I don't know

2007-11-08T22:01:00.000-08:00

In the secret in a quiet place... I want to Know God more... but I still feel distant... I want to know how to just hear him.. I guess I am always looking for a how or a method or formula to follow in order to get where I need to be. I am sick and tired of just guessing...wondering if that's the spirit talking I hate falling back down to my stupid doubts my desires to be in close communion with Him... to actually feel his presence...

The only time I feel closest to God is when I speaking with Him and my thoughts with my pastor! I can imagine that a whole lot of people feel the same way... you must truly He must truly be a man of prayer; something I am lacking in quality and quantity.

I just seem to not be able to pray... it just feels awkward or something... I pray but it's not habitual(or it is I just don't know what to pray)... I need some guidance on prayer.... that's short and simple of all this... the Bible says his Love is unchanging and he his faithful... but...........................................let's talk about that....

Thanks and sorry for my craziness...I just pray God will be able to mold me into something suitable for His Glory so that I can be there to help someone else out too! I just don't feel good enough to be that for him... or talented enough...how do I know when the spirit is using me... so that I don't flub on someone God is putting in my life and miss an opportunity completely... like taking a course... I feel hindered or held back..is it fear.. I just want to dive in and run....

My impatience getting the best of me I guess....I need to learn how to be still...but I am not wired that way!

A few things learned...

2007-10-21T22:32:00.000-07:00

Well it's been awhile but, something hit me in Church today something not quite sure what but it was about gifts and grace!

I have been off my game for about month not sure if it's the two year old and the sleeping issues, but I haven't been seeking God as earnestly as I use to be. I am afraid that I am in this lull luke warm place, not seeking just sitting still.

Why is it that I seem to peter out in everything I do, and then I figured it out... I had started to focus on myself and was getting caught up in my own needs for rest, relaxation and just vegging out. I was zoning into myself again. Something this Saturday started if off, and I realized that I was being selfish again. Here I am worried about my own doubts and needs from God, when he has called me to take who I am and be a Light to others struggling with the same fears and needs. I need only to trust in God the Trinity, the center of it all.

My balance has been off, everything seems like it has been crumbling down again, work is nuts, life is nuts, and my spiritual life in all this has just been NUMB. No wonder everything else is spinning around like some centrifugal choas where I just suddenly severed my rope attached to the center of my Life which is God. Like the theory of centrifugal force where the smaller object is spun around by a greater force that keeps it spinning and rotating in a controlled fashion. If that center should cease to exist it would be cast off into this endless spin into nothingness and imminent catastrophe. I need to get my spark back up and running, I need to attach myself back into his Word. I need some order in my life!

I have been thinking of Gifts from God! I am unsure as to when or what gifts I have, but in my discussions with other mentors there is this common thing that we are given gifts from the Holy spirit at our rebirth in Christ! How are suppose to know what these gifts are? I always thought we were given gifts/unique talents from birth designed by God to be used for his Glory. I can truly say that I have been reborn this year, I have been freed in Christ this year, but I am struggling, because I know in my heart I accepted Christ in my Heart at a young age, I truly wanted to be the Apostle John, Christs Beloved one! When can one tell he has been reborn in Christ! Is this why I am unsure as to the seperation of my talents I was born with, to the Gifts that were given to me by the Holy Spirit. I still struggle with this one, I don't feel any different than when I did at 9, there was no pop and the Holy spirit is with me sort of thing. I have this inkling that the Holy Spirit is always with us, but is not able to work through us until we have truly been reborn in Christ. How else are we lead to Salvation then by the power and wisdom of the Holy Spirit working in others.

I have an inkling of one my gifts and that is to see the goodness and talents in others.
The other gift I believe I have is the gift of empathy! I can seem to sense what others are feeling. I have always had that gift! I think what the Holy Spirit does is help us mature our God given gifts and guides us with wisdom and Grace to use them for God's Glory.

If anyone else has any insight on the Gifts of the Holy Spirit -vs- born talents please feel free to comment!

Here's my self portrait. Yeah I grabbed a picture from the web, give me a couple of weeks and I'll give you a real selft portrait : ) The things is since we are always moving, I don't think it will be the same in a week!!!!

How many times must I walk away....

2007-07-21T12:47:00.000-07:00

I was witnessing to a Student in my SettingCaptivesFree ministry and I was pulled to the lyrics of a song from Third Day! How true do these words ring in my ears. Praise God for his mercy and Love! Amen!

Take My Life-Third Day

How many times have I turned away?

The number is the same as the sand on the shore

But every time you've taken me back

And now I ask you do it once more

Chorus

Please take from me my life

When I don't have the strength to give it away to you

Please take from me my life

When I don't have the strength to give it away to you Jesus

How many times have I turned away?

The number is the same as the stars in the sky

And every time you've taken me back

And now I pray you'll do it tonight

What time is it?

2007-07-12T23:14:00.001-07:00

I was just reading an important article from a website. It moved me, so I am posting it.

It seems to explain how my life is heading....

What Time Is It?

One of the most important things we need to realize right now is that we have entered into a very significant season of transition in the body of Christ. There is a shift taking place from the church age to the kingdom age. Everything we have known about “doing church” is about to be turned upside down. Religious structures and mindsets that have not been founded on the pure word of God are being uprooted and pulled down, so God can download new revelation, strategies and blueprints from heaven to see the establishment of His kingdom on earth. This shift is critical to the end-time preparation of a glorious Bride and our enemy, knowing that he cannot stop God’s eternal purposes, is doing all that he can to “change the set times and the laws” of God (Daniel 7:5). This strong spiritual dullness is meant to make us insensitive and unaware of the urgency of the hour. It is vital that at this time, we remain “self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.” 1 Peter 5:8-9

http://www.watchmen.org/NewsLetters/FromMyHeart-apr-2007.asp

Refreshed...

2007-07-11T19:56:00.000-07:00

Chalk that last post off as a case of being human.
A lot of great and amazing things have happened to me since my last post.
God has been very good to me in the past month.

I have been able to get in touch with God, by heading to his loving embrace of his mountains.

The vastness and grandure of his Glory is so obvious there to me. I went to this awesome beautiful wonder, called the Maligne Canyon in Jasper National Park, it spoke to me of persistance and patience.

The rushing water let me feel the beauty, love and raw power of God. I could imagine the love of God fealing somewhat like that rushing over and through me. Wild and beautiful, strong and calming. I just felt like a little boy again, there was a spring in my step and joy and wonder in my heart again. I can just imagine what the Kingdom of heavan would be like. Being in the Lords presence, his rushing waters sustaining me.

One day in your courts is better than thousands elsewhere!

Thank You Lord for showing me your will.
During this experience I was accepted as an apprentice mentor for Settings Captives Free.
I can see how the Lord is teaching me his ways through this journey. I can see how this experience is going to mold me even more into the Man he wants me to be! Everything is slowly and surely falling into place as the Lord wills it for me. I will keep on praying for patience and perseverence. Amen

I have been remarkably calm this past week, it's seems so amazing, how the Lord is putting the right students in my path for mentoring.

Where does my faith come from? Troubled....

2007-06-10T20:11:00.000-07:00

I was just having a miserable week, being troubled by doubt and seperateness.
Two days back from vacation(Tuesday June 5th) and we have a major virus outbreak at work and I am up till midnight working. I am just being my typical self wondering where my faith is at and how I got where I am. I am feeling pretty alone this week, yet I realize that I haven't been in the word very due to such a crazy and tiring week. I realized I need to get back into the word of God so I started reading through the translation of the Bible called "The Message". Let me tell you it's kind of refreshing reading the bible in plain English.

Well I am going through some anxiety this week. I am starting down this other path with Christ and it is leading me away from my Catholic upbringing, it's pretty scary, walking away from the pressure filled life that my Family thinks is the only right religion. I am so scared that they will blame my wife for my renewed spirit in Christ! I pray that the Holy Spirit will put the words in my mouth, to explain to them that I am just turning back to the Lord to follow the calling he instilled in me when I was 9.

I trust in the Lord, but my faith is still a little broken and needs a little(a lot) of uplifting this month. I am just so excited that I can get back with the Lord and learn about him. That is part of why I was attracted to my wife, the different way she was raised, that personal relationship with Christ is what I longed for so Long. My Catholic upbringing, made it feel like I could never hope to be in his loving arms, all these hoops to jump through and talk of being unworthy sinners, there was no excitement no joy just boring corporate red tape to follow through, what kind of experience could I hope to attain in that. Not to say that it is wrong to worship that way(I am just not wired for the traditionalist way) I do not want to be stuck in a pew saying the same old prayers, feeling safe and numb.

I need to feel alive, exuberant, I need to meet with people talk with them, love them, listen to them, help them... That is after all what Christ wanted us to do. I knew I was called to be his disciple early on, I just never understood how I could be living it in the Catholic faith... the only way I knew how was through priesthood, and I deeply wanted to have a wife and children. Now I know that I must risk the possible sacrifice of my family(Parents, brothers and sisters) to this calling. I just know that I must not let any fear that Satan puts in my path to stop me from what God has planned for me.

I was praying Friday night that God show himself to me and let me feel his presence. I am just crying out to feel his presence(physically or mentally), I guess I still don't know exactly how he speaks to me, I have so many pathways, that are equally strong that I get mixed up and don't really know when or if it is him speaking to me. The one thing I think I get it is when I am reading something that clicks, or something is being spoken or taught on Sunday, that relates to me and I get tingles down my back, but that still isn't God speaking to me(or is it). How do I get that two way communication with the Lord. I need to know how! I believe in him, his salvation, I just need to understand. I need that affirmation that he is there beside me through the Holy Spirit guiding me. I need a vision, a pathway that says hey Ben I am here, you can trust in me. I do not want to defend or promote something that I cannot know for fact for myself. How do I destroy this doubt in me.

I guess that I would just love to hear his voice, or some sign outside of this mundane world, to solidify(complete) my faith and get the fire ablaze in my soul. I just don't think I can pastor people if my faith his shaky. I just want to be sure that I am Loving someone completely real and not have faith in something that was made up to give me a false sense of joy and excitement like Santa Claus. I just believe that my faith in Christ was damaged after I found out I had been mislead.

The fear of being mislead is one of my biggest stumbling blocks right now, I just need to know. Is it wrong to feel this way to ask God to renew my faith completely. I think it is just satan trying to make me doubt but part of me just needs to know which it is. I can't pray in tongues and I just don't feel spirit filled like I see others be like. I need to know who I am. This Sunday service sort of spoke to me, about the intellectual pathway and the nature about God and his existence. A strong part of my spiritual pathway is intellectual I need to know who God is through getting to know him and speaking with him. Is it directly to him or to other members of Christ. Does he speak back to me directly or through his children?

I hate being a doubting Thomas, but at least Thomas walked with Christ, he was in his presence. If I was walking with Christ, I definitely wouldn't have doubted his resurrection or would I? I wonder this one sometimes. I am just looking for a serious REAL relationship with him. Something I can see and touch, but that isn't what faith is about is it? It is about believing in what you can't see, you can hear the wind and feel it but you can't see it. Well, if that is how God is why can't I hear him like a rushing wind or feel him caress me and envelop my like the wind? I just wish I could turn my brain off and have faith like when I was a child.

I believe yet I doubt. Why can't I have some real proof! Let me tell you I hate talking like this, but this is what goes on inside my head every day, every night. I am crying out to the Lord to let me know YOU ARE! HEAR ME! I just wonder when my time on earth ends, would it all just be for nothing and be darkness. Would it be just a disappointment. I guess it wouldn't matter, but I can't just keep on worshiping God and not know if he really exists.

I wish God would speak to me like Moses, Noah, or Abraham. I wish I knew what it was like for the Holy spirit to fall down on the apostles and give them strength. I wish I knew what it was like when Jesus Spoke to Saul, and the strength and fervor he had to get his message out to the gentiles. Is it over now that the Bible is finished, are there no more disciples like those of Christ preaching to the crowd of his salvation. I need to know, I expect something like a voice guiding me, a nudge a pull, does it take practice, complete surrender. I love to know how things work, I yearn to know! I want to take myself apart and learn how I work, how I am fueled, how my creator has use for me. Am I an ear to listen? Am I a mouth to speak? Am I a hand to touch, an eye to see, or feet to walk? What is my part in Christ? What is my calling as a pastor? There is just something in me that needs to be shown?

I do know that the my LOVE of God is real, but am I loving something made up. I can't accept that thought! Where does he show himself to me, in my wife, in my daughter, in nature, in wonder, in love, in silence, in awe, in knowledge? Where are you GOD, is it all a mystery in little signs and wonders of everyday coincidences in life? Do I have to keep guessing?

Keep me in your prayers!

It's not about me!

2007-05-27T00:43:00.000-07:00

Hi all I just needed to mark a couple of milestones that just happened to me last week.

I am joining the setting Captives free mentor course. It is my hope that the Lord will use me to help others be set free! Please Pray for me as delve into this 120 day course, I am sure the Holy Spirit will give me strength and perseverance to follow through.

-----

It was pretty amazing how God was "cooking with Gas" as my pastor jollybeggar said last Sunday.

I shared my testimony of my Journey back to Christ and how he freed me from the captivity of my habitual sin. It was awesome and very humbling at what Christ accomplished that day!

WOW!

Then something else exciting happened as well. I passed my 60 day Way of Purity Course, on Thursday May 24Th, 2007. God was with every step of the way through my mentor and accountability partners(my beautiful loving wife and Jollybeggar) Thanks for you help guys, I couldn't have finished without all the support!

Thank You!

Here's a poem I just found looking for some inspiring photo's. It hit home to me, and I just had to share it:

You ask me how I gave my heart to Christ,I do not know.There came a yearning for Him in my soul so long ago.I found earths flowers would fade and die.I wept for something that would satisfy.And then, and then somehow I seemed to dare To lift my broken heart to God in prayer.
I do not know, I cannot tell you how,I only know He is my Saviour now.
Anonymous

May God Bless everyone, who stumble's upon this Blog, and know that he is always there watching over you, waiting to take you back into his loving arms. As a testimony of his Glory, he has taken me back and he will welcome you home too! Just lay it all down at the cross and be free!

2007-05-12T01:49:00.000-07:00

I was listening to a Hillsong album and I was overcome with goosebumps and thoughts.
I began to pray, and a section of a book "Enter the worship Circle" that I had just recently feasted on came back to me.

I had this picture of a circle around the cross of Christ, and this is what I envisioned: I connected the dots, on earth in our fleshly bodies we are called to worship GOD and are given the choice to enter this circle. The world is outside this circle and cannot touch this circle. Well as I see it Christians are walking around on this earth and in their lives working from this community circle of Christ(the body of Christ) to spread the word and be a presence of this circle to let other's see a glimpse of this circle that exists beyond this mortal plain. It just seemed so real to me. We have to break free of the mortal bonds that sin entices us to hang on to and ask the Lord Jesus to pull us across the threshold of death and Chaos. Until we can lay our lives down for Christ there is nothing that we can do on our own to uproot ourselves to cross into that circle. We must ultimately lay it all down and ask our loving savior to carry us home!

We can all come home we just need to lay it all at the Cross and he will carry us home!

Thank You God for your infinite love and Wisdom!

2007-05-09T21:41:00.000-07:00

Let me put it this way, God is great!

Just recently I was called to repentance by the Holy Spirit, to return to the Lord and break free from my habitual sin, that was keeping me disconnected from the Lord.
This is how I felt while I was in sin! I bet you we have all felt this way sometime in our lives.
This happened one Sunday Morning when our Pastor was speaking on the Call of God and the Courage it takes to follow that Calling.

Well low and behold, God called me to repentance and it has all been for his Glory since.

I proceeded with a meeting with my pastor and repentance of my sins, it was as at that moment, a weight had been lifted. You can never know such freedom until, you have exposed your most hidden private sins into the Light. Now that I am free in Christ, I am not ashamed to admit that I was addicted to internet pornography and self gratification, it was an addiction just as bad as alcoholism or any other drug addiction, but worse, you had constant access to this drug and you couldn't separate your self from it. Thanks to the love of Christ and the strength of the Holy Spirit, I was guided to freedom, via counseling and support of my pastor and this great site called http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com. This site is so awesome because all the mentors have been just where I was and all the testimonies, were not far off from my own story. The best part is that it's free, and they are doing a most noble calling of all helping people be free through the Grace of God and Christ's death on the Cross. We must Learn to admit that we cannot do anything without God's Grace.

John 4:13-14 13 - Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

We must turn away from sin and drink from the well of Christ's Water. Sin can only lead us to thirst and death. We must not drink from Sin's well of stagnant water.

We must understand that no matter how deep we are in sin, that Christ is always there to accept us into his loving arms.

I just came back from a trip to Las Vegas the city of Sin, wow and let me tell you about sin.
I wondered why the Lord wanted me to go there, but a few things did happen. He showed man's undoing by not relying on him, and he showed me how wide and deep his love is for man through Nature.... The first day at Vegas, I took a trip to the Grand Canyon(if you haven't been there before, you need to!) Just the vastness and Grandeur of this place just put me back into my shoes. Here's a picture of the Canyon. That's little old me on that rock!

The view reminded of Ephesians 3:14-18:
14For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15from whom his whole family^[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.

So needless to say, I have this calling to witness to other men who are slaves to sexual immorality and to be there to give them counsel and prayers, to help them come back to the Lord and be free in Christ! Through him we can do anything. Men can be pure at heart, we just need to have our lives focused on the right prize, and that's Christ!

I welcome all your prayers out there. With the help of my pastor, I will be pursuing this ministry calling, and possibly following his calling deeper into a pastoral calling if that is ever God's will. Please pray for me that the Lord grant me courage, wisdom and the heart to continue with this mission he has given unto me for his Glory.