Our Television has been doing the strangest thing these past couple of days, it's almost what I have been feeling like lately. You change the input on what you were watching and the the sound doesn't work, you keep switching the input to try to get it to recognize the audio, you switch the receiver off and on, nothing works...no sound there's a picture but no audio, then you do one of the combinations turn the TV off then receiver, then receiver off and the TV on or cable box off and on then suddenly it starts to work, and you wonder what the heck is broken. Is it the TV, the receiver, or the cable box, and no matter how hard you try to figure out why it happened or how to fix it from happening again, it just happens to start working again.
This is how my spiritual life has been like...sometimes it works and then sometimes it just won't.
No matter how hard you try to figure out why it's broken, it just is. Then suddenly something clicks and the link is working again. Something is broken, and I keep randomly falling there, searching and alone, afraid, that I am missing something, continuing to figure why it's broken and how can I fix myself...but that's the problem...I can't fix it by myself... I need an outside force to come reconnect the link. I am not sure where to go next but it seems like my life goes in two year cycles of change, and I am coming up on that 2 year cycle again with my job here, things are chaotic as usual and I feel the pull of wanting to run and hide to start fresh. I feel myself wanting to retreat again. I can never hide, and there is something I need to learn here but what. Why does it have to be so hard to figure that and so easy to retreat within myself, to be become so distracted with things like computer games, and easy stuff to keep me distracted.
I have start to get back to church but I am still feeling at loss still missing something just out of my grasp and I don't know what the next step is. I feel like a mess inside...with my typical mask out in this world. I believe in Christ and I know he died for my sins, but why do I keep sinning, why am I not growing...why is it so hard to keep in his word to follow him, take up the cross.
I want acceptance so badly...I don't know how to be who I am on inside to outside world. Fear of the unknown, of what if...continues to rule my decisions. I am not supposed to bear a spirit of fear in Christ. I feel lost again, and need to know or at least have a glimmer of something to trust in. My doubt of the future is back again, and feel useless unable to move, but wanting desperately to be more that what I am right now. There is that fear of sacrifice as well...what do I need to give up and the answer is clear...everything...Christ tells us that we need to give it all up to him and that we can trust in God to provide for all of our needs. We have to give him Carte blanche...control of everything in our lives...something our pastor mentioned in this past sermon.
I wonder can I give him that trust to rule everything in my life. Why are we so worried about what we have to give up for him...it is a mere pittance of what we are promised if we trust in God's Grace for us.
I want to live my life to the fullest, and I feel like I am not. I want to be free of this pull of this world.
I need help God...to be able to Trust in you! Are you there God... or is it just my shaken faith that is in it's stage if paranoid conspiracy theory crap that everything we have been taught is just one huge misleading tale to help us live our lives with this hope that there is something more after this short time we have on earth. I need a glimmer of that hope to be shown to me...something to keep me going.
Anyways if you are there GOD...Jesus...I do love you, I thank you for my Wife, my daughter, all the blessings of my family and the health that I do have...I am blessed to have a home, a job, vehicles, food on my plate everyday! I pray that this is not just mere coincidence of life and that we are randomly born to luckily live to 70 and then die off to nothingness. How can people be so sure of you? Have they seen signs, I guess I will always be wondering what's up...but if you are out there...please send me some guidance...I need to know that I am not wasting my time here on earth.
Help me not feel alone, help me find out who I am. I don't who that is but I am this jumble broken mess searching to be whole stuck on the outside(or inside looking out) wondering where to I fit.
If you can hear me Lord I LOVE YOU. If I could only now for sure I would do anything for you.
