calling out on mute...

This item might not make any sense but, it's what I felt I needed to share. This is how I am feeling like inside, it as if everything is turned up loud, but nothing is coming out.

Our Television has been doing the strangest thing these past couple of days, it's almost what I have been feeling like lately. You change the input on what you were watching and the the sound doesn't work, you keep switching the input to try to get it to recognize the audio, you switch the receiver off and on, nothing works...no sound there's a picture but no audio, then you do one of the combinations turn the TV off then receiver, then receiver off and the TV on or cable box off and on then suddenly it starts to work, and you wonder what the heck is broken. Is it the TV, the receiver, or the cable box, and no matter how hard you try to figure out why it happened or how to fix it from happening again, it just happens to start working again.

This is how my spiritual life has been like...sometimes it works and then sometimes it just won't.

No matter how hard you try to figure out why it's broken, it just is. Then suddenly something clicks and the link is working again. Something is broken, and I keep randomly falling there, searching and alone, afraid, that I am missing something, continuing to figure why it's broken and how can I fix myself...but that's the problem...I can't fix it by myself... I need an outside force to come reconnect the link. I am not sure where to go next but it seems like my life goes in two year cycles of change, and I am coming up on that 2 year cycle again with my job here, things are chaotic as usual and I feel the pull of wanting to run and hide to start fresh. I feel myself wanting to retreat again. I can never hide, and there is something I need to learn here but what. Why does it have to be so hard to figure that and so easy to retreat within myself, to be become so distracted with things like computer games, and easy stuff to keep me distracted.

I have start to get back to church but I am still feeling at loss still missing something just out of my grasp and I don't know what the next step is. I feel like a mess inside...with my typical mask out in this world. I believe in Christ and I know he died for my sins, but why do I keep sinning, why am I not growing...why is it so hard to keep in his word to follow him, take up the cross.

I want acceptance so badly...I don't know how to be who I am on inside to outside world. Fear of the unknown, of what if...continues to rule my decisions. I am not supposed to bear a spirit of fear in Christ. I feel lost again, and need to know or at least have a glimmer of something to trust in. My doubt of the future is back again, and feel useless unable to move, but wanting desperately to be more that what I am right now. There is that fear of sacrifice as well...what do I need to give up and the answer is clear...everything...Christ tells us that we need to give it all up to him and that we can trust in God to provide for all of our needs. We have to give him Carte blanche...control of everything in our lives...something our pastor mentioned in this past sermon.

I wonder can I give him that trust to rule everything in my life. Why are we so worried about what we have to give up for him...it is a mere pittance of what we are promised if we trust in God's Grace for us.

I want to live my life to the fullest, and I feel like I am not. I want to be free of this pull of this world.

I need help God...to be able to Trust in you! Are you there God... or is it just my shaken faith that is in it's stage if paranoid conspiracy theory crap that everything we have been taught is just one huge misleading tale to help us live our lives with this hope that there is something more after this short time we have on earth. I need a glimmer of that hope to be shown to me...something to keep me going.

Anyways if you are there GOD...Jesus...I do love you, I thank you for my Wife, my daughter, all the blessings of my family and the health that I do have...I am blessed to have a home, a job, vehicles, food on my plate everyday! I pray that this is not just mere coincidence of life and that we are randomly born to luckily live to 70 and then die off to nothingness. How can people be so sure of you? Have they seen signs, I guess I will always be wondering what's up...but if you are out there...please send me some guidance...I need to know that I am not wasting my time here on earth.

Help me not feel alone, help me find out who I am. I don't who that is but I am this jumble broken mess searching to be whole stuck on the outside(or inside looking out) wondering where to I fit.

If you can hear me Lord I LOVE YOU. If I could only now for sure I would do anything for you.

GOD's WILL

The other Sunday, I listened to a very interesting sermon about GOD's Will, and it got me thinking, where I was heading to listening to GOD's will for me in my life.

I'll start off with the story...

There was this man that was ready and willing to GOD's will, he was sick and tired of doing things for himself, and was ready to do whatever GOD had planned for him. So one morning praying to GOD he said you know what I am done with my old ways, I am here ready to do your will no matter what it is, I am ready for it. So GOD replies back, I can truly see that your ready so here it is... You see that boulder over there. I want you to push against it everyday and don't stop, that's all you need to do. The man thought that this was pretty odd. but he didn't care he was ready to do GOD's will not matter what. So the next morning he got up early and started pushing on that boulder excited to do GOD's will. He kept up at it for months pushing and pushing for GOD. One day Satan comes around and notices this man pushing the boulder and comes up to him asking him why he is doing this. The man replies, I am doing GOD's will, he asked me to push this boulder and so here I am. Well Satan says, well that's great you have been very faithful, but I have one question to ask you, what have you accomplished pushing this boulder? The man looks up at him and replies: What do you mean by that? Oh nothing, I just see that you have been pushing for quite some time and this boulder hasn't moved a bit. What's the point in pushing it all...it's not going anywhere. The man said you have a point, I wonder why he wants me to push this boulder? Satan replies: Look, you don't have to bother with this. You have done your best. You won't succeed at this. Accept that you have failed. It is useless. Then just take it easy and do the least amount of work you can.

So the next day the man gets up a little later than usual thinking, that boulder's not going anywhere. Days go by and soon he stops pushing the boulder all together. He decided to pray. He prayed and prayed and prayed. "God, I have done what You asked me. I have been very faithful. Every day for hours I have been pushing against that rock, but I have not budged it an inch. GOD replied I noticed you haven't been as faithful, and stopped pushing, let me explain a few things to you: I asked you to push against that rock, and you were obedient. I never asked you to move it. I asked you to push against it."Because you have pushed faithfully and diligently against that rock every day, notice how strong your arms have become. Your back is brown and sinewy, your legs are massive; you are in such better shape now than you were. You have learned a lot because you have been faithful and obedient.

Then God said to the man, "You have trusted me. It's my job to move the rock." I just asked you to push it nothing more.

So what am getting at... good question. Well I have been sort of struggling with my Call from GOD lately, wondering what his will is? Thinking I need to be doing more than what am doing already. I ended finding myself doing less than I was before. So here I am back to where I started accepting the WILL of GOD no mater what the task is small or BIG. I will not try to rush him, I will take whatever he gives me and do it with all my heart and soul, I will keep on PUSHing just like he told me to do and let him do the moving.

YOU ARE LOVED!

Where does my faith come from? Troubled....

I was just having a miserable week, being troubled by doubt and seperateness.
Two days back from vacation(Tuesday June 5th) and we have a major virus outbreak at work and I am up till midnight working. I am just being my typical self wondering where my faith is at and how I got where I am. I am feeling pretty alone this week, yet I realize that I haven't been in the word very due to such a crazy and tiring week. I realized I need to get back into the word of God so I started reading through the translation of the Bible called "The Message". Let me tell you it's kind of refreshing reading the bible in plain English.

Well I am going through some anxiety this week. I am starting down this other path with Christ and it is leading me away from my Catholic upbringing, it's pretty scary, walking away from the pressure filled life that my Family thinks is the only right religion. I am so scared that they will blame my wife for my renewed spirit in Christ! I pray that the Holy Spirit will put the words in my mouth, to explain to them that I am just turning back to the Lord to follow the calling he instilled in me when I was 9.

I trust in the Lord, but my faith is still a little broken and needs a little(a lot) of uplifting this month. I am just so excited that I can get back with the Lord and learn about him. That is part of why I was attracted to my wife, the different way she was raised, that personal relationship with Christ is what I longed for so Long. My Catholic upbringing, made it feel like I could never hope to be in his loving arms, all these hoops to jump through and talk of being unworthy sinners, there was no excitement no joy just boring corporate red tape to follow through, what kind of experience could I hope to attain in that. Not to say that it is wrong to worship that way(I am just not wired for the traditionalist way) I do not want to be stuck in a pew saying the same old prayers, feeling safe and numb.

I need to feel alive, exuberant, I need to meet with people talk with them, love them, listen to them, help them... That is after all what Christ wanted us to do. I knew I was called to be his disciple early on, I just never understood how I could be living it in the Catholic faith... the only way I knew how was through priesthood, and I deeply wanted to have a wife and children. Now I know that I must risk the possible sacrifice of my family(Parents, brothers and sisters) to this calling. I just know that I must not let any fear that Satan puts in my path to stop me from what God has planned for me.

I was praying Friday night that God show himself to me and let me feel his presence. I am just crying out to feel his presence(physically or mentally), I guess I still don't know exactly how he speaks to me, I have so many pathways, that are equally strong that I get mixed up and don't really know when or if it is him speaking to me. The one thing I think I get it is when I am reading something that clicks, or something is being spoken or taught on Sunday, that relates to me and I get tingles down my back, but that still isn't God speaking to me(or is it). How do I get that two way communication with the Lord. I need to know how! I believe in him, his salvation, I just need to understand. I need that affirmation that he is there beside me through the Holy Spirit guiding me. I need a vision, a pathway that says hey Ben I am here, you can trust in me. I do not want to defend or promote something that I cannot know for fact for myself. How do I destroy this doubt in me.

I guess that I would just love to hear his voice, or some sign outside of this mundane world, to solidify(complete) my faith and get the fire ablaze in my soul. I just don't think I can pastor people if my faith his shaky. I just want to be sure that I am Loving someone completely real and not have faith in something that was made up to give me a false sense of joy and excitement like Santa Claus. I just believe that my faith in Christ was damaged after I found out I had been mislead.

The fear of being mislead is one of my biggest stumbling blocks right now, I just need to know. Is it wrong to feel this way to ask God to renew my faith completely. I think it is just satan trying to make me doubt but part of me just needs to know which it is. I can't pray in tongues and I just don't feel spirit filled like I see others be like. I need to know who I am. This Sunday service sort of spoke to me, about the intellectual pathway and the nature about God and his existence. A strong part of my spiritual pathway is intellectual I need to know who God is through getting to know him and speaking with him. Is it directly to him or to other members of Christ. Does he speak back to me directly or through his children?

I hate being a doubting Thomas, but at least Thomas walked with Christ, he was in his presence. If I was walking with Christ, I definitely wouldn't have doubted his resurrection or would I? I wonder this one sometimes. I am just looking for a serious REAL relationship with him. Something I can see and touch, but that isn't what faith is about is it? It is about believing in what you can't see, you can hear the wind and feel it but you can't see it. Well, if that is how God is why can't I hear him like a rushing wind or feel him caress me and envelop my like the wind? I just wish I could turn my brain off and have faith like when I was a child.

I believe yet I doubt. Why can't I have some real proof! Let me tell you I hate talking like this, but this is what goes on inside my head every day, every night. I am crying out to the Lord to let me know YOU ARE! HEAR ME! I just wonder when my time on earth ends, would it all just be for nothing and be darkness. Would it be just a disappointment. I guess it wouldn't matter, but I can't just keep on worshiping God and not know if he really exists.

I wish God would speak to me like Moses, Noah, or Abraham. I wish I knew what it was like for the Holy spirit to fall down on the apostles and give them strength. I wish I knew what it was like when Jesus Spoke to Saul, and the strength and fervor he had to get his message out to the gentiles. Is it over now that the Bible is finished, are there no more disciples like those of Christ preaching to the crowd of his salvation. I need to know, I expect something like a voice guiding me, a nudge a pull, does it take practice, complete surrender. I love to know how things work, I yearn to know! I want to take myself apart and learn how I work, how I am fueled, how my creator has use for me. Am I an ear to listen? Am I a mouth to speak? Am I a hand to touch, an eye to see, or feet to walk? What is my part in Christ? What is my calling as a pastor? There is just something in me that needs to be shown?

I do know that the my LOVE of God is real, but am I loving something made up. I can't accept that thought! Where does he show himself to me, in my wife, in my daughter, in nature, in wonder, in love, in silence, in awe, in knowledge? Where are you GOD, is it all a mystery in little signs and wonders of everyday coincidences in life? Do I have to keep guessing?

Keep me in your prayers!

Let me put it this way, God is great!

Just recently I was called to repentance by the Holy Spirit, to return to the Lord and break free from my habitual sin, that was keeping me disconnected from the Lord.
This is how I felt while I was in sin! I bet you we have all felt this way sometime in our lives.
This happened one Sunday Morning when our Pastor was speaking on the Call of God and the Courage it takes to follow that Calling.

Well low and behold, God called me to repentance and it has all been for his Glory since.

I proceeded with a meeting with my pastor and repentance of my sins, it was as at that moment, a weight had been lifted. You can never know such freedom until, you have exposed your most hidden private sins into the Light. Now that I am free in Christ, I am not ashamed to admit that I was addicted to internet pornography and self gratification, it was an addiction just as bad as alcoholism or any other drug addiction, but worse, you had constant access to this drug and you couldn't separate your self from it. Thanks to the love of Christ and the strength of the Holy Spirit, I was guided to freedom, via counseling and support of my pastor and this great site called http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com. This site is so awesome because all the mentors have been just where I was and all the testimonies, were not far off from my own story. The best part is that it's free, and they are doing a most noble calling of all helping people be free through the Grace of God and Christ's death on the Cross. We must Learn to admit that we cannot do anything without God's Grace.

John 4:13-14 13 - Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."



We must turn away from sin and drink from the well of Christ's Water. Sin can only lead us to thirst and death. We must not drink from Sin's well of stagnant water.

We must understand that no matter how deep we are in sin, that Christ is always there to accept us into his loving arms.

I just came back from a trip to Las Vegas the city of Sin, wow and let me tell you about sin.
I wondered why the Lord wanted me to go there, but a few things did happen. He showed man's undoing by not relying on him, and he showed me how wide and deep his love is for man through Nature.... The first day at Vegas, I took a trip to the Grand Canyon(if you haven't been there before, you need to!) Just the vastness and Grandeur of this place just put me back into my shoes. Here's a picture of the Canyon. That's little old me on that rock!


The view reminded of Ephesians 3:14-18:
14For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15from whom his whole family^[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.


So needless to say, I have this calling to witness to other men who are slaves to sexual immorality and to be there to give them counsel and prayers, to help them come back to the Lord and be free in Christ! Through him we can do anything. Men can be pure at heart, we just need to have our lives focused on the right prize, and that's Christ!

I welcome all your prayers out there. With the help of my pastor, I will be pursuing this ministry calling, and possibly following his calling deeper into a pastoral calling if that is ever God's will. Please pray for me that the Lord grant me courage, wisdom and the heart to continue with this mission he has given unto me for his Glory.