I was just having a miserable week, being troubled by doubt and seperateness.
Two days back from vacation(Tuesday June 5th) and we have a major virus outbreak at work and I am up till midnight working. I am just being my typical self wondering where my faith is at and how I got where I am. I am feeling pretty alone this week, yet I realize that I haven't been in the word very due to such a crazy and tiring week. I realized I need to get back into the word of God so I started reading through the translation of the Bible called "The Message". Let me tell you it's kind of refreshing reading the bible in plain English.
Well I am going through some anxiety this week. I am starting down this other path with Christ and it is leading me away from my Catholic upbringing, it's pretty scary, walking away from the pressure filled life that my Family thinks is the only right religion. I am so scared that they will blame my wife for my renewed spirit in Christ! I pray that the Holy Spirit will put the words in my mouth, to explain to them that I am just turning back to the Lord to follow the calling he instilled in me when I was 9.
I trust in the Lord, but my faith is still a little broken and needs a little(a lot) of uplifting this month. I am just so excited that I can get back with the Lord and learn about him. That is part of why I was attracted to my wife, the different way she was raised, that personal relationship with Christ is what I longed for so Long. My Catholic upbringing, made it feel like I could never hope to be in his loving arms, all these hoops to jump through and talk of being unworthy sinners, there was no excitement no joy just boring corporate red tape to follow through, what kind of experience could I hope to attain in that. Not to say that it is wrong to worship that way(I am just not wired for the traditionalist way) I do not want to be stuck in a pew saying the same old prayers, feeling safe and numb.
I need to feel alive, exuberant, I need to meet with people talk with them, love them, listen to them, help them... That is after all what Christ wanted us to do. I knew I was called to be his disciple early on, I just never understood how I could be living it in the Catholic faith... the only way I knew how was through priesthood, and I deeply wanted to have a wife and children. Now I know that I must risk the possible sacrifice of my family(Parents, brothers and sisters) to this calling. I just know that I must not let any fear that Satan puts in my path to stop me from what God has planned for me.
I was praying Friday night that God show himself to me and let me feel his presence. I am just crying out to feel his presence(physically or mentally), I guess I still don't know exactly how he speaks to me, I have so many pathways, that are equally strong that I get mixed up and don't really know when or if it is him speaking to me. The one thing I think I get it is when I am reading something that clicks, or something is being spoken or taught on Sunday, that relates to me and I get tingles down my back, but that still isn't God speaking to me(or is it). How do I get that two way communication with the Lord. I need to know how! I believe in him, his salvation, I just need to understand. I need that affirmation that he is there beside me through the Holy Spirit guiding me. I need a vision, a pathway that says hey Ben I am here, you can trust in me. I do not want to defend or promote something that I cannot know for fact for myself. How do I destroy this doubt in me.
I guess that I would just love to hear his voice, or some sign outside of this mundane world, to solidify(complete) my faith and get the fire ablaze in my soul. I just don't think I can pastor people if my faith his shaky. I just want to be sure that I am Loving someone completely real and not have faith in something that was made up to give me a false sense of joy and excitement like Santa Claus. I just believe that my faith in Christ was damaged after I found out I had been mislead.
The fear of being mislead is one of my biggest stumbling blocks right now, I just need to know. Is it wrong to feel this way to ask God to renew my faith completely. I think it is just satan trying to make me doubt but part of me just needs to know which it is. I can't pray in tongues and I just don't feel spirit filled like I see others be like. I need to know who I am. This Sunday service sort of spoke to me, about the intellectual pathway and the nature about God and his existence. A strong part of my spiritual pathway is intellectual I need to know who God is through getting to know him and speaking with him. Is it directly to him or to other members of Christ. Does he speak back to me directly or through his children?
I hate being a doubting Thomas, but at least Thomas walked with Christ, he was in his presence. If I was walking with Christ, I definitely wouldn't have doubted his resurrection or would I? I wonder this one sometimes. I am just looking for a serious REAL relationship with him. Something I can see and touch, but that isn't what faith is about is it? It is about believing in what you can't see, you can hear the wind and feel it but you can't see it. Well, if that is how God is why can't I hear him like a rushing wind or feel him caress me and envelop my like the wind? I just wish I could turn my brain off and have faith like when I was a child.
I believe yet I doubt. Why can't I have some real proof! Let me tell you I hate talking like this, but this is what goes on inside my head every day, every night. I am crying out to the Lord to let me know YOU ARE! HEAR ME! I just wonder when my time on earth ends, would it all just be for nothing and be darkness. Would it be just a disappointment. I guess it wouldn't matter, but I can't just keep on worshiping God and not know if he really exists.
I wish God would speak to me like Moses, Noah, or Abraham. I wish I knew what it was like for the Holy spirit to fall down on the apostles and give them strength. I wish I knew what it was like when Jesus Spoke to Saul, and the strength and fervor he had to get his message out to the gentiles. Is it over now that the Bible is finished, are there no more disciples like those of Christ preaching to the crowd of his salvation. I need to know, I expect something like a voice guiding me, a nudge a pull, does it take practice, complete surrender. I love to know how things work, I yearn to know! I want to take myself apart and learn how I work, how I am fueled, how my creator has use for me. Am I an ear to listen? Am I a mouth to speak? Am I a hand to touch, an eye to see, or feet to walk? What is my part in Christ? What is my calling as a pastor? There is just something in me that needs to be shown?
I do know that the my LOVE of God is real, but am I loving something made up. I can't accept that thought! Where does he show himself to me, in my wife, in my daughter, in nature, in wonder, in love, in silence, in awe, in knowledge? Where are you GOD, is it all a mystery in little signs and wonders of everyday coincidences in life? Do I have to keep guessing?
Keep me in your prayers!
