I'm a screw up...but aren't we all.

I messed up once again today with my mouth, and being put on the defensive.
I had this phone conversation with my brother that led me to get a little defensive about the choices I have made in my life, that I was being questioned and judged!

I was being accused of in not so many words forgetting where I came from, that I was some how abandoning my familial upbringing by straying away from my family faith!

I felt like I was being told "How dare I turn my back on my family" like I should be pressured into it! Something about going to my parents Church out of respect! Why can't I choose where I wan't to worship, it just makes me want to scream and pull out my hair. Why can't we all just get along and quit trying to find blame and fault in all we do. I guess that's human nature.

So out of respect, I politely drew the line of where my immediate family stood and where my respect for my upbringing and childhood family remained, a stepping stone in my journey to Honor and glorify God. They just can't get it through their heads that this was what I was searching for all along. My wife is devastated that I dare speak of what I'm feeling for the fear of persecution from my family. She wants me to be united with her and my family, well you just can't keep everybody happy, there are consequences to the decisions we make in our lives, and I am not about to shy away from the consequences that may happen due to my decisions to follow Christ where he is leading me.

I was a little perturbed when my brother was mentioning that I was using God as a crutch to defend my decisions of where I was being led. What the heck is that! I would rather lean on the Trinity as my life preserver anyday than that of religion! It is in my faith in Christ that I lay my life on! He is the one and only life preserver!

I know am ranting but I need to get this out I am sick of being caught in between my wife and my family. If I don't get this out I am likely to break something! I just want to burst out in frustration of feeling so helpless. My wife is so worried that she is going to be blamed for all this...well guess what she probably will be...the mob always tries to find someone to blame. Well guess what it's not about her! It's about God and until she gets that through her head, she will always be sulking in fear and doubt and wondering why me! She still has alot of growing up to do and so do I. I will never deny that I will always have a lot of growing to do. That is why I will not hole myself up sneaking around. I am sick and tired of keeping quiet and letting people think I am this controlled cowardly puppet by either family or wife. I am a child of God searching to seek His Glory. I make my choices and I will live and die by them! I chose to marry my wife, I chose to seek God in a different way other than that of my upbringing. I trust that God is doing what is right in life.

Like the comment of my brother saying that I could do all this ministry in the Catholic faith, or be more charismatic in catholic faith. I am not bound by religion. I am bound by Faith in Christ as my Saviour. I am bound be seeking to be more Christ like. Like my choices have not been lot's of work. I have been this friction point in my family all my life, feeling different thinking different, questioning truth! I have never felt the same or that I belonged, and I was too pressured and afraid to openly think that way! I struggled for over 6 years of my marriageabout remaining in the Catholic faith because, I didn't want to disrespect my family. I wasn't doing it for me! I was doing it for them. I love going to Church where I can be with my wife together as one. I made my choice! She has to live with that too! She could have become Catholic to please my family but that wouldn't have been right because that didn't make her complete. I couldn't force her too because I didn't feel complete there either. How could I hollowly force my wife to become something that I didn't believe in completely either. I had come slowly to see the emptiness in my spiritual life, being in an environment where I couldn't grow and thrive. I just coulnd't raise my family and be so disconected from God! I knew the choice I had to make to keep our family whole! I had to give something up to gain something better something blessed! This path God had chosen for me!

I don't know what to do, but eventually there has to be a line drawn, so that there is no more guessing, no more beating around the bush. I love my parents, my brothers and my sisters. I respect them for their choices in life. I just want to be respected for my choices! There is no right or wrong here! There just needs to be mutual respect! I am sick of that holier than thou belief from Catholics that they are the one true faith. I think the Jewish people thought that way too! We need to start getting back to the basics of Faith, we need throw out all that jargon and remember why the Catholic church exists....because Christ died for us to save us from our sins.
It's all in the bible, it's all in History! Let's dust off our bibles and start spending some more time with Christ and quit worrying about which religion is right or wrong. Christ is the only right, the only truth and that's it!

Religion is just ones way of expressing one's faith!

Now I'm left here abandonned yet again at my computer alone. I was frustrated that I had just had the courage to stand up for my choices and beliefs, and there I get off the phone and my wife is all crying because now it's all about her. She didn't even care about us and the step I taken to show my devotion for her and our daughter. I was so frustrated! I called her a cry baby and now she is in the room and I am in the basement trying to express my frustration and hopelessness of being an totally bumbling imcompetent communicator, can't I do anything right! I can't win I might as well have been a priest! I feel all alone!