1 Talent

Where should I start with that title...hmmm.

Matthew 25:14-30 -The third man was not as capable as the other two, but the master gave him one talent with the expectation that he would manage it well. He, too, could have increased his money, but he dug a hole and hid it in the ground.

It's what I think I have done, or am doing, I am hiding my talent in the ground(I have feared living this way my whole life). And I know the key word here is FEAR. I live my life around FEAR, it controls the decisions I make. I have become what I once was lost and alone, confused and full of doubts. I have found myself feeling as if I am back to the starting point again. It's amazing how quickly a man can die spiritually without daily nourishment from the word, and men and women of Christ. I know it but I am lost here God, I don't know what do anymore, I am afraid, and feel like am just spinning in circles. I have become apathetic, and that is the result of the company I am keeping. I am weak and easily swayed by my environment, and I am none to pleased with myself. Where are you God, I know it is I that have hidden myself by the choices I have made. I have let fear rule me yet again, I have let the comfort of my old ways pull my back, to become numb and bitter full of doubt, not that I want to be but
I feel lost, without you without my connection, to the people I love, the people I miss so much, I sometimes feel like I made a big mistake leaving my Church Family in Regina, and I miss them so much. I had a life line there, people that felt like home, that felt like you were near me GOD. I do not want to let that go, and it continues to be there pulling me back as if there is a bungee cord not letting me go. I need to fight fear, and get the courage to join up a group or get help with some spiritual mentoring again. I am losing you Lord, and I want you back, but I am afraid...I want to know you are real... I want to know my faith is worth living for, worth the sacrifices of friends, of family... I need you now, I need your love, your reassurance, your guiding hand, I need a sign of your plan for me. I want get off this neutral highway that I am on, get me off this turn table my head is spinning. Lord be my guide and please give me the courage to make the choices you need me to make. I am sick of putting you on the side bench of my life this past year, please help me know I am seeking something that is real. I will always have that glimmer of hope that this is all real, but there will always be that weight of doubt in my life as well. Please Help me see the light more clearly, and give me a rock that I can lean in. I am seeking a foundation of stone from this sinking quicksand I have been living in. Lost and afraid I am here waiting wanting, needing something real something alive. I am sick of feeling strangled in a numb shell that is keeping me trapped inside.

I LOVE YOU ALWAYS GOD!
Even if I don't always show it in my life!