I'm a screw up...but aren't we all.

I messed up once again today with my mouth, and being put on the defensive.
I had this phone conversation with my brother that led me to get a little defensive about the choices I have made in my life, that I was being questioned and judged!

I was being accused of in not so many words forgetting where I came from, that I was some how abandoning my familial upbringing by straying away from my family faith!

I felt like I was being told "How dare I turn my back on my family" like I should be pressured into it! Something about going to my parents Church out of respect! Why can't I choose where I wan't to worship, it just makes me want to scream and pull out my hair. Why can't we all just get along and quit trying to find blame and fault in all we do. I guess that's human nature.

So out of respect, I politely drew the line of where my immediate family stood and where my respect for my upbringing and childhood family remained, a stepping stone in my journey to Honor and glorify God. They just can't get it through their heads that this was what I was searching for all along. My wife is devastated that I dare speak of what I'm feeling for the fear of persecution from my family. She wants me to be united with her and my family, well you just can't keep everybody happy, there are consequences to the decisions we make in our lives, and I am not about to shy away from the consequences that may happen due to my decisions to follow Christ where he is leading me.

I was a little perturbed when my brother was mentioning that I was using God as a crutch to defend my decisions of where I was being led. What the heck is that! I would rather lean on the Trinity as my life preserver anyday than that of religion! It is in my faith in Christ that I lay my life on! He is the one and only life preserver!

I know am ranting but I need to get this out I am sick of being caught in between my wife and my family. If I don't get this out I am likely to break something! I just want to burst out in frustration of feeling so helpless. My wife is so worried that she is going to be blamed for all this...well guess what she probably will be...the mob always tries to find someone to blame. Well guess what it's not about her! It's about God and until she gets that through her head, she will always be sulking in fear and doubt and wondering why me! She still has alot of growing up to do and so do I. I will never deny that I will always have a lot of growing to do. That is why I will not hole myself up sneaking around. I am sick and tired of keeping quiet and letting people think I am this controlled cowardly puppet by either family or wife. I am a child of God searching to seek His Glory. I make my choices and I will live and die by them! I chose to marry my wife, I chose to seek God in a different way other than that of my upbringing. I trust that God is doing what is right in life.

Like the comment of my brother saying that I could do all this ministry in the Catholic faith, or be more charismatic in catholic faith. I am not bound by religion. I am bound by Faith in Christ as my Saviour. I am bound be seeking to be more Christ like. Like my choices have not been lot's of work. I have been this friction point in my family all my life, feeling different thinking different, questioning truth! I have never felt the same or that I belonged, and I was too pressured and afraid to openly think that way! I struggled for over 6 years of my marriageabout remaining in the Catholic faith because, I didn't want to disrespect my family. I wasn't doing it for me! I was doing it for them. I love going to Church where I can be with my wife together as one. I made my choice! She has to live with that too! She could have become Catholic to please my family but that wouldn't have been right because that didn't make her complete. I couldn't force her too because I didn't feel complete there either. How could I hollowly force my wife to become something that I didn't believe in completely either. I had come slowly to see the emptiness in my spiritual life, being in an environment where I couldn't grow and thrive. I just coulnd't raise my family and be so disconected from God! I knew the choice I had to make to keep our family whole! I had to give something up to gain something better something blessed! This path God had chosen for me!

I don't know what to do, but eventually there has to be a line drawn, so that there is no more guessing, no more beating around the bush. I love my parents, my brothers and my sisters. I respect them for their choices in life. I just want to be respected for my choices! There is no right or wrong here! There just needs to be mutual respect! I am sick of that holier than thou belief from Catholics that they are the one true faith. I think the Jewish people thought that way too! We need to start getting back to the basics of Faith, we need throw out all that jargon and remember why the Catholic church exists....because Christ died for us to save us from our sins.
It's all in the bible, it's all in History! Let's dust off our bibles and start spending some more time with Christ and quit worrying about which religion is right or wrong. Christ is the only right, the only truth and that's it!

Religion is just ones way of expressing one's faith!

Now I'm left here abandonned yet again at my computer alone. I was frustrated that I had just had the courage to stand up for my choices and beliefs, and there I get off the phone and my wife is all crying because now it's all about her. She didn't even care about us and the step I taken to show my devotion for her and our daughter. I was so frustrated! I called her a cry baby and now she is in the room and I am in the basement trying to express my frustration and hopelessness of being an totally bumbling imcompetent communicator, can't I do anything right! I can't win I might as well have been a priest! I feel all alone!

Something revealed

I am coming to the realization that I find myself doubting and questioning, only when I find myself apart from what God has been calling me to do!

It seems that once I find myself back in His Path...relating to others...mentoring to others and seeing the Fruit of the Spirit at work that I am all at once at peace and centered!

The Lord continues to reveal his desired teachings to me in His time and I find my questions being answered just hours or pages later! If only I would have patience and faith...

I long to know him more and understand him further! But it is not the understanding that I need! It is the connection that I desire! I know that I need not understand but I must only seek Him! I am here to be in a relationship with him! He is not to be a study guide for me to figure out or a puzzle to solve. It is a life giving, spirit growing Love relationship that I am seeking to discover! That is the word I need to use from now on! DISCOVERY

I seek to discover Him! I long to get to know him more, to be connected with him. I don't need to know how he ticks...I just need to get to know him and feel his presence. What better way then to meet him through his creations! Earth, Animals, Men and Women! Each new experience in life is a new connection, a new discovery to this precious relationship I am in!

a little frustrated, a little impatient, a little I don't know

In the secret in a quiet place... I want to Know God more... but I still feel distant... I want to know how to just hear him.. I guess I am always looking for a how or a method or formula to follow in order to get where I need to be. I am sick and tired of just guessing...wondering if that's the spirit talking I hate falling back down to my stupid doubts my desires to be in close communion with Him... to actually feel his presence...

The only time I feel closest to God is when I speaking with Him and my thoughts with my pastor! I can imagine that a whole lot of people feel the same way... you must truly He must truly be a man of prayer; something I am lacking in quality and quantity.

I just seem to not be able to pray... it just feels awkward or something... I pray but it's not habitual(or it is I just don't know what to pray)... I need some guidance on prayer.... that's short and simple of all this... the Bible says his Love is unchanging and he his faithful... but...........................................let's talk about that....

Thanks and sorry for my craziness...I just pray God will be able to mold me into something suitable for His Glory so that I can be there to help someone else out too! I just don't feel good enough to be that for him... or talented enough...how do I know when the spirit is using me... so that I don't flub on someone God is putting in my life and miss an opportunity completely... like taking a course... I feel hindered or held back..is it fear.. I just want to dive in and run....

My impatience getting the best of me I guess....I need to learn how to be still...but I am not wired that way!

A few things learned...

Well it's been awhile but, something hit me in Church today something not quite sure what but it was about gifts and grace!



I have been off my game for about month not sure if it's the two year old and the sleeping issues, but I haven't been seeking God as earnestly as I use to be. I am afraid that I am in this lull luke warm place, not seeking just sitting still.



Why is it that I seem to peter out in everything I do, and then I figured it out... I had started to focus on myself and was getting caught up in my own needs for rest, relaxation and just vegging out. I was zoning into myself again. Something this Saturday started if off, and I realized that I was being selfish again. Here I am worried about my own doubts and needs from God, when he has called me to take who I am and be a Light to others struggling with the same fears and needs. I need only to trust in God the Trinity, the center of it all.



My balance has been off, everything seems like it has been crumbling down again, work is nuts, life is nuts, and my spiritual life in all this has just been NUMB. No wonder everything else is spinning around like some centrifugal choas where I just suddenly severed my rope attached to the center of my Life which is God. Like the theory of centrifugal force where the smaller object is spun around by a greater force that keeps it spinning and rotating in a controlled fashion. If that center should cease to exist it would be cast off into this endless spin into nothingness and imminent catastrophe. I need to get my spark back up and running, I need to attach myself back into his Word. I need some order in my life!





I have been thinking of Gifts from God! I am unsure as to when or what gifts I have, but in my discussions with other mentors there is this common thing that we are given gifts from the Holy spirit at our rebirth in Christ! How are suppose to know what these gifts are? I always thought we were given gifts/unique talents from birth designed by God to be used for his Glory. I can truly say that I have been reborn this year, I have been freed in Christ this year, but I am struggling, because I know in my heart I accepted Christ in my Heart at a young age, I truly wanted to be the Apostle John, Christs Beloved one! When can one tell he has been reborn in Christ! Is this why I am unsure as to the seperation of my talents I was born with, to the Gifts that were given to me by the Holy Spirit. I still struggle with this one, I don't feel any different than when I did at 9, there was no pop and the Holy spirit is with me sort of thing. I have this inkling that the Holy Spirit is always with us, but is not able to work through us until we have truly been reborn in Christ. How else are we lead to Salvation then by the power and wisdom of the Holy Spirit working in others.



I have an inkling of one my gifts and that is to see the goodness and talents in others.
The other gift I believe I have is the gift of empathy! I can seem to sense what others are feeling. I have always had that gift! I think what the Holy Spirit does is help us mature our God given gifts and guides us with wisdom and Grace to use them for God's Glory.



If anyone else has any insight on the Gifts of the Holy Spirit -vs- born talents please feel free to comment!



Here's my self portrait. Yeah I grabbed a picture from the web, give me a couple of weeks and I'll give you a real selft portrait : ) The things is since we are always moving, I don't think it will be the same in a week!!!!

How many times must I walk away....

I was witnessing to a Student in my SettingCaptivesFree ministry and I was pulled to the lyrics of a song from Third Day! How true do these words ring in my ears. Praise God for his mercy and Love! Amen!

Take My Life-Third Day

How many times have I turned away?

The number is the same as the sand on the shore

But every time you've taken me back

And now I ask you do it once more

Chorus

Please take from me my life

When I don't have the strength to give it away to you

Please take from me my life

When I don't have the strength to give it away to you Jesus

How many times have I turned away?

The number is the same as the stars in the sky

And every time you've taken me back

And now I pray you'll do it tonight

What time is it?

I was just reading an important article from a website. It moved me, so I am posting it.

It seems to explain how my life is heading....

What Time Is It?

One of the most important things we need to realize right now is that we have entered into a very significant season of transition in the body of Christ. There is a shift taking place from the church age to the kingdom age. Everything we have known about “doing church” is about to be turned upside down. Religious structures and mindsets that have not been founded on the pure word of God are being uprooted and pulled down, so God can download new revelation, strategies and blueprints from heaven to see the establishment of His kingdom on earth. This shift is critical to the end-time preparation of a glorious Bride and our enemy, knowing that he cannot stop God’s eternal purposes, is doing all that he can to “change the set times and the laws” of God (Daniel 7:5). This strong spiritual dullness is meant to make us insensitive and unaware of the urgency of the hour. It is vital that at this time, we remain “self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.” 1 Peter 5:8-9

http://www.watchmen.org/NewsLetters/FromMyHeart-apr-2007.asp

Refreshed...

Chalk that last post off as a case of being human.
A lot of great and amazing things have happened to me since my last post.
God has been very good to me in the past month.


I have been able to get in touch with God, by heading to his loving embrace of his mountains.

The vastness and grandure of his Glory is so obvious there to me. I went to this awesome beautiful wonder, called the Maligne Canyon in Jasper National Park, it spoke to me of persistance and patience.



The rushing water let me feel the beauty, love and raw power of God. I could imagine the love of God fealing somewhat like that rushing over and through me. Wild and beautiful, strong and calming. I just felt like a little boy again, there was a spring in my step and joy and wonder in my heart again. I can just imagine what the Kingdom of heavan would be like. Being in the Lords presence, his rushing waters sustaining me.

One day in your courts is better than thousands elsewhere!


Thank You Lord for showing me your will.
During this experience I was accepted as an apprentice mentor for Settings Captives Free.
I can see how the Lord is teaching me his ways through this journey. I can see how this experience is going to mold me even more into the Man he wants me to be! Everything is slowly and surely falling into place as the Lord wills it for me. I will keep on praying for patience and perseverence. Amen





I have been remarkably calm this past week, it's seems so amazing, how the Lord is putting the right students in my path for mentoring.

Where does my faith come from? Troubled....

I was just having a miserable week, being troubled by doubt and seperateness.
Two days back from vacation(Tuesday June 5th) and we have a major virus outbreak at work and I am up till midnight working. I am just being my typical self wondering where my faith is at and how I got where I am. I am feeling pretty alone this week, yet I realize that I haven't been in the word very due to such a crazy and tiring week. I realized I need to get back into the word of God so I started reading through the translation of the Bible called "The Message". Let me tell you it's kind of refreshing reading the bible in plain English.

Well I am going through some anxiety this week. I am starting down this other path with Christ and it is leading me away from my Catholic upbringing, it's pretty scary, walking away from the pressure filled life that my Family thinks is the only right religion. I am so scared that they will blame my wife for my renewed spirit in Christ! I pray that the Holy Spirit will put the words in my mouth, to explain to them that I am just turning back to the Lord to follow the calling he instilled in me when I was 9.

I trust in the Lord, but my faith is still a little broken and needs a little(a lot) of uplifting this month. I am just so excited that I can get back with the Lord and learn about him. That is part of why I was attracted to my wife, the different way she was raised, that personal relationship with Christ is what I longed for so Long. My Catholic upbringing, made it feel like I could never hope to be in his loving arms, all these hoops to jump through and talk of being unworthy sinners, there was no excitement no joy just boring corporate red tape to follow through, what kind of experience could I hope to attain in that. Not to say that it is wrong to worship that way(I am just not wired for the traditionalist way) I do not want to be stuck in a pew saying the same old prayers, feeling safe and numb.

I need to feel alive, exuberant, I need to meet with people talk with them, love them, listen to them, help them... That is after all what Christ wanted us to do. I knew I was called to be his disciple early on, I just never understood how I could be living it in the Catholic faith... the only way I knew how was through priesthood, and I deeply wanted to have a wife and children. Now I know that I must risk the possible sacrifice of my family(Parents, brothers and sisters) to this calling. I just know that I must not let any fear that Satan puts in my path to stop me from what God has planned for me.

I was praying Friday night that God show himself to me and let me feel his presence. I am just crying out to feel his presence(physically or mentally), I guess I still don't know exactly how he speaks to me, I have so many pathways, that are equally strong that I get mixed up and don't really know when or if it is him speaking to me. The one thing I think I get it is when I am reading something that clicks, or something is being spoken or taught on Sunday, that relates to me and I get tingles down my back, but that still isn't God speaking to me(or is it). How do I get that two way communication with the Lord. I need to know how! I believe in him, his salvation, I just need to understand. I need that affirmation that he is there beside me through the Holy Spirit guiding me. I need a vision, a pathway that says hey Ben I am here, you can trust in me. I do not want to defend or promote something that I cannot know for fact for myself. How do I destroy this doubt in me.

I guess that I would just love to hear his voice, or some sign outside of this mundane world, to solidify(complete) my faith and get the fire ablaze in my soul. I just don't think I can pastor people if my faith his shaky. I just want to be sure that I am Loving someone completely real and not have faith in something that was made up to give me a false sense of joy and excitement like Santa Claus. I just believe that my faith in Christ was damaged after I found out I had been mislead.

The fear of being mislead is one of my biggest stumbling blocks right now, I just need to know. Is it wrong to feel this way to ask God to renew my faith completely. I think it is just satan trying to make me doubt but part of me just needs to know which it is. I can't pray in tongues and I just don't feel spirit filled like I see others be like. I need to know who I am. This Sunday service sort of spoke to me, about the intellectual pathway and the nature about God and his existence. A strong part of my spiritual pathway is intellectual I need to know who God is through getting to know him and speaking with him. Is it directly to him or to other members of Christ. Does he speak back to me directly or through his children?

I hate being a doubting Thomas, but at least Thomas walked with Christ, he was in his presence. If I was walking with Christ, I definitely wouldn't have doubted his resurrection or would I? I wonder this one sometimes. I am just looking for a serious REAL relationship with him. Something I can see and touch, but that isn't what faith is about is it? It is about believing in what you can't see, you can hear the wind and feel it but you can't see it. Well, if that is how God is why can't I hear him like a rushing wind or feel him caress me and envelop my like the wind? I just wish I could turn my brain off and have faith like when I was a child.

I believe yet I doubt. Why can't I have some real proof! Let me tell you I hate talking like this, but this is what goes on inside my head every day, every night. I am crying out to the Lord to let me know YOU ARE! HEAR ME! I just wonder when my time on earth ends, would it all just be for nothing and be darkness. Would it be just a disappointment. I guess it wouldn't matter, but I can't just keep on worshiping God and not know if he really exists.

I wish God would speak to me like Moses, Noah, or Abraham. I wish I knew what it was like for the Holy spirit to fall down on the apostles and give them strength. I wish I knew what it was like when Jesus Spoke to Saul, and the strength and fervor he had to get his message out to the gentiles. Is it over now that the Bible is finished, are there no more disciples like those of Christ preaching to the crowd of his salvation. I need to know, I expect something like a voice guiding me, a nudge a pull, does it take practice, complete surrender. I love to know how things work, I yearn to know! I want to take myself apart and learn how I work, how I am fueled, how my creator has use for me. Am I an ear to listen? Am I a mouth to speak? Am I a hand to touch, an eye to see, or feet to walk? What is my part in Christ? What is my calling as a pastor? There is just something in me that needs to be shown?

I do know that the my LOVE of God is real, but am I loving something made up. I can't accept that thought! Where does he show himself to me, in my wife, in my daughter, in nature, in wonder, in love, in silence, in awe, in knowledge? Where are you GOD, is it all a mystery in little signs and wonders of everyday coincidences in life? Do I have to keep guessing?

Keep me in your prayers!

It's not about me!

Hi all I just needed to mark a couple of milestones that just happened to me last week.

I am joining the setting Captives free mentor course. It is my hope that the Lord will use me to help others be set free! Please Pray for me as delve into this 120 day course, I am sure the Holy Spirit will give me strength and perseverance to follow through.

-----

It was pretty amazing how God was "cooking with Gas" as my pastor jollybeggar said last Sunday.

I shared my testimony of my Journey back to Christ and how he freed me from the captivity of my habitual sin. It was awesome and very humbling at what Christ accomplished that day!

WOW!

Then something else exciting happened as well. I passed my 60 day Way of Purity Course, on Thursday May 24Th, 2007. God was with every step of the way through my mentor and accountability partners(my beautiful loving wife and Jollybeggar) Thanks for you help guys, I couldn't have finished without all the support!

Thank You!

Here's a poem I just found looking for some inspiring photo's. It hit home to me, and I just had to share it:


You ask me how I gave my heart to Christ,I do not know.There came a yearning for Him in my soul so long ago.I found earths flowers would fade and die.I wept for something that would satisfy.And then, and then somehow I seemed to dare To lift my broken heart to God in prayer.
I do not know, I cannot tell you how,I only know He is my Saviour now.
Anonymous

May God Bless everyone, who stumble's upon this Blog, and know that he is always there watching over you, waiting to take you back into his loving arms. As a testimony of his Glory, he has taken me back and he will welcome you home too! Just lay it all down at the cross and be free!

I was listening to a Hillsong album and I was overcome with goosebumps and thoughts.
I began to pray, and a section of a book "Enter the worship Circle" that I had just recently feasted on came back to me.

I had this picture of a circle around the cross of Christ, and this is what I envisioned: I connected the dots, on earth in our fleshly bodies we are called to worship GOD and are given the choice to enter this circle. The world is outside this circle and cannot touch this circle. Well as I see it Christians are walking around on this earth and in their lives working from this community circle of Christ(the body of Christ) to spread the word and be a presence of this circle to let other's see a glimpse of this circle that exists beyond this mortal plain. It just seemed so real to me. We have to break free of the mortal bonds that sin entices us to hang on to and ask the Lord Jesus to pull us across the threshold of death and Chaos. Until we can lay our lives down for Christ there is nothing that we can do on our own to uproot ourselves to cross into that circle. We must ultimately lay it all down and ask our loving savior to carry us home!

We can all come home we just need to lay it all at the Cross and he will carry us home!

Thank You God for your infinite love and Wisdom!

Let me put it this way, God is great!

Just recently I was called to repentance by the Holy Spirit, to return to the Lord and break free from my habitual sin, that was keeping me disconnected from the Lord.
This is how I felt while I was in sin! I bet you we have all felt this way sometime in our lives.
This happened one Sunday Morning when our Pastor was speaking on the Call of God and the Courage it takes to follow that Calling.

Well low and behold, God called me to repentance and it has all been for his Glory since.

I proceeded with a meeting with my pastor and repentance of my sins, it was as at that moment, a weight had been lifted. You can never know such freedom until, you have exposed your most hidden private sins into the Light. Now that I am free in Christ, I am not ashamed to admit that I was addicted to internet pornography and self gratification, it was an addiction just as bad as alcoholism or any other drug addiction, but worse, you had constant access to this drug and you couldn't separate your self from it. Thanks to the love of Christ and the strength of the Holy Spirit, I was guided to freedom, via counseling and support of my pastor and this great site called http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com. This site is so awesome because all the mentors have been just where I was and all the testimonies, were not far off from my own story. The best part is that it's free, and they are doing a most noble calling of all helping people be free through the Grace of God and Christ's death on the Cross. We must Learn to admit that we cannot do anything without God's Grace.

John 4:13-14 13 - Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."



We must turn away from sin and drink from the well of Christ's Water. Sin can only lead us to thirst and death. We must not drink from Sin's well of stagnant water.

We must understand that no matter how deep we are in sin, that Christ is always there to accept us into his loving arms.

I just came back from a trip to Las Vegas the city of Sin, wow and let me tell you about sin.
I wondered why the Lord wanted me to go there, but a few things did happen. He showed man's undoing by not relying on him, and he showed me how wide and deep his love is for man through Nature.... The first day at Vegas, I took a trip to the Grand Canyon(if you haven't been there before, you need to!) Just the vastness and Grandeur of this place just put me back into my shoes. Here's a picture of the Canyon. That's little old me on that rock!


The view reminded of Ephesians 3:14-18:
14For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15from whom his whole family^[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.


So needless to say, I have this calling to witness to other men who are slaves to sexual immorality and to be there to give them counsel and prayers, to help them come back to the Lord and be free in Christ! Through him we can do anything. Men can be pure at heart, we just need to have our lives focused on the right prize, and that's Christ!

I welcome all your prayers out there. With the help of my pastor, I will be pursuing this ministry calling, and possibly following his calling deeper into a pastoral calling if that is ever God's will. Please pray for me that the Lord grant me courage, wisdom and the heart to continue with this mission he has given unto me for his Glory.