Struggling

I am struggling however with the drive to move one, to continue on with the fight. I am having a bout of depression, of what's the point... going on and am expressing this openly, because I want to be real here...I do go through these bouts quite a bit, of ups and downs in my faith walk, the next paragraphs are lengthy a bit, you may read what I would like to share or move on, just knowing that I would love your prayers for some guidances, understanding, reassureance, and correction!

I want to be all I can be for the Lord but it seems like, I am having such a hard time giving up the things of this world! All I see in my day to day life are people who don't get it, people that just live like there's no point to all of it but self gratification, self worship if you want to put it that way. I find myself playing too much the cameleon in my day to day activities at work, and in the world with friends. It never fails that where I go the friends I meet, or the people I work directly with are non Christians, that drink, and don't care about anything about religion, and I find myself having to put a mask on, for fear of not fitting in or being too pushy. This is something, I have struggled with all my life, molding my personality into the flow of the crowd, making myself invisible, or a mirror image of my surroundings. I get lost in myself, I am so neutral(I can't find the term here of what I mean but I am exactly like a cameleon, I blend in with the color of the Crowd it so easy it's freaky. I find I can relate to any personality, or group, and just fit in to survive. But that's not living!

If I am in a Christian Group, I am a great Christian, if I am in a drinking group I am a great drinking buddy, if I am in a group that likes racing, hunting or whatever I can adapt and relate. How do I know where I fit, I am everyone, and no one! Who am I but a Child of Christ, but what is my purpose, I want to not just adapt to the world, I want to relate to the world, and show it the truth! I have a feeling that my gifts to adapting to my situation are for this purpose, but at the moment I am desiring a more constant me in all of it. I desire to be a light on a hilll top, not a light in basket, I want to not hide sometimes, and shine at other times, going on and off like a Christmas light, inconsistent, and annoying.

When I look at the cross, and see what Jesus did to make himself the least of the least and to suffer the cruelest death to repay the debt of my sins, I cringe, at how easily this world has blinded itself to this wonderful gift that we have been given! I also am saddened at how easy it is for even myself to turn back to the ways of the world, whether it is having fun with the guys, or at home, playing games on the internet for the greater part of the evening not taking the time to read the bible or spend time with God or at work joining with the co-workers complaining about a boss or a co-worker.

We are so in need of Christ, and we miss him everyday, and I myself am crying out for advice, and counsel. because I know my depression bouts, stem from not being able to be what I am created to be. We as Christian's are truly at battle here, and we are more repressed than we were in after the days of Christ's death. We are repressed by the very freedom we have chartered for ourselves, where free speech, is accepted, unless it is free speech for Christ's Message, it saddens me how any other religion is acceptable these days, and it's the Christian faith that needs to lighten up or be more accepting. We are the most accepting, but people don't like giving things up to deny the old life of sin, self glory, and that is why it is so hard to get through to people.

There is a faith issue going on here, and I too struggle with it...we are tought of Christ's salvation, and we are attacked for it. It feels like our own faith is used against us...we believe and then are attacked to doubt our beliefs because there is no physical proof! We are put at odds against each Christian because we can't all agree on what exactly is the message! Just look at all the translations of God's Holy Scripture, which Translation is acurate...who is most right. It doesn't matter, the only truth is that we are sinners, we can't be free on our own. Christ took on human form on earth, died for our sins, he is our intercessor before God, and we are given a great gift by this death. We are new Creations in Christ! We are free to be re-united with our creator!

Well how do you preach that to the world, without getting scoffed or sounding like a loon on the street corner. How do you live your life for Christ the was you know it's ture without getting judged by your family who is of another Religion or another denomination, that believes God should be worshipped in a specific way! How do yo know your understanding, and faith is the right one. We need to get back to the heart of Woship, the heart of the message, and get it out, but I can't seem to find a way to get there yet! I am praying, and waiting for something, but I am not quite sure yet what that something is! It seems like i am more caught up by keeping up with everything, that I am just plain lost in it all.