battle of the mind.... who get's your attention?

You must be wondering with a title like this, what I am going to talk about and for good reason.
I have been struggling lately with attacks of self doubt and where I need to be taking my life.
Do I push through this rough patch and keep going in my current state, or do I take a different fork, and take a risk into an uncharted course full of unknowns?

I've been struggling with the fact that I more than likely have ADD in the inattentive type, and I started to wonder if that is just a cover up for something deeper, something more. I started to go down that rabbit whole of my past and I wondered if quite possibly that was the reason to all my anxiety and stress in my childhood. I think I have come to a different understanding of what I have been plagued/blessed with! I find that all my life, I have been a little odd, a little disconnected from this world, and I know it has something to do with my calling to follow Christ more deeply. I find myself wandering off thinking of things not of this lifetime, not of this world. I am thinking of God and the bigger picture! No wonder why I seem so inattentive to what's going on in this world. No it's not disillusionment, but it's something, that I keep thinking of, I keep weighing in my mind during my everyday duties in life. I keep using those thoughts of the spiritual world and my role in that place, and I use those things to check and balance my decisions in this life. Doing this I find myself being a little disconnected and bored by the mundane needs and desires of this world. Oh don't get me wrong I still love to get things and dream of things. I still wonder what it would like to have that nice truck or a little more money in the bank. The difference is, that I get over these thoughts a little more quickly than most. From the outside world they perceive me as this out of touch disconnected individual that just doesn't fit in. It's just that I don't get attached to ideas or things for too long, I experience it, I enjoy it, and then I get bored of it and move on. That's it, there's nothing complicated to it. I just seem to rush through things quicker than most, trying to experience as many knew things as I possibly can and then move on. I find that I am lacking in the attachment department! I just don't get attached to things, I don't know why, but I don't.

That's why when I enter into a new experience, I jump right in and try to experience it to it's fullest. I get that initial rush of wow this is cool, amazing, or that is weird! Then when the initial rush is over, I move on to something else, leaving the past experience to fade away in time, as a brief memory, a road marker in my life.

The biggest thing that I struggle with is the fact that I seem to fall prey to this in my spiritual journey. I seem to live my life spiritually in ups and downs. It's like I have to have a life crisis before I get all revved up and feel reconnected again. I am fine for a while and then I am bored and numb again.

To explain this better, I like to think of it like one's sugar level in their body. When the body is functioning properly the levels remain constant and level. In the the body of a diabetic, the sugar levels spike and crash without some kind of assistance. Well this is how my spiritual life feels like lately. I have these peaks and I have these valleys, and now I am searching for the insulin, and learning what the proper dose is.

Well to start with, I have found the cure, Jesus Christ, but now, I am trying to integrate him into my body, trying clean out the old crap and to bring in the new blood. I am going through a spiritual transfusion. I am learning to return to him for new life daily, searching for that balance, to help me to remain constant in Him. There are days and weeks, that I forget to go back for renewal, and I find myself lapsing into a low again!

I am struggling trying to find out why I continue to doubt. There is something, that I am missing, I have plateaued. It's like my body which has just been given a transplant is trying to build antibodies to reject it. I need an intervention, I need to get past this layer, to be able to move deeper and deeper into this relationship with Christ. I am just stuck! There is still some left over crap, left over beliefs, that is stopping me from growing spiritually. My Mind is still in bondage by something. I still want control over my mind! There is a deep fear that if I let go of that control, that I will be helpless, and an utter mess. There was a point in my life that I had to take control of my mind, to control my passion, that seemed to have no holds barred. I had fears of many things in my mind, haunting me, scaring me! I took that fear, that access to the other side, and locked it up.

When you allow the spiritual world access to your mind, you get the good with the bad! The war of the mind is a two sided thing. When I was younger, I was in constant attack by the enemy, for my zeal to want to follow Christ! Back then I was immature, lost, alone! There was no one that I could share my passion with or answer my questions(or that I had the guts to ask those questions). I used to be visited by presences in my room(sometimes not just something you could just dismiss) or nightmares, that would scare me to death. I would find myself praying for a long time after a visit like this. The disconnect happened one night probably between 9-12 years old. I had a dream one night, that keeps haunting me to this day... It was this dream that started me on my downhill slide. My fear was so great, that something in my subconscious, went "red alert" and the force field went up. From that evening, the dreams and the odd feelings, just went away! I never remembered a nightmare again, and the scary feeling of a presence in my room went away as well.

The one thing I didn't know yet, or fully understand was that, the enemy really had no authority over me, they were just scare tactics, to veer me away from GOD. The attacks worked unfortunately, they caused me block off that access to the spiritual world, I cut the hard line. Well the day has noe come that I am almost ready to reconnect that line with Christ's help.


The unfortunate part out of this, was that by doing so, I disconnected my direct communication with GOD as well. One thing that I didn't realize was that the Holy Spirit still had access to me through the physical world, through the Bible and other people that still had their hard lines connected to GOD. I have been taught that in Christ, I am truly free and forgiven. I know that in HIM, the enemy has no authority over me. Only Christ has authority over me. In Him I can rebuke them, and regain, my connection back to GOD. Christ is my life line back! Praise Him for that.

Now I need to start pealing back the layers that I have put up as barriers in my life, preventing me from being all that I can be for GOD! There is a big fear here, because I will have go through that door yet to give up all control! I have to put all my trust and faith in CHRIST to guide me through these storms, and walk me through the steps of taking down my shield, and trust that HE will be my shield and strength from the flaming arrows of the evil one.

I am afraid to go there, but I know it's necessary to be able to get back in touch with my creator! I have to tear down the walls!